The Final Truth

* Trigger Warning: I am going to talk very seriously about eating disorders. These are my experiences and some might find the descriptions of emotions hard to deal with. Oh and also I swear :) *

This is a hard subject for me to write about, but I have been inspired by another blogger’s honesty and felt it was time for some of my own.

In High School (and some of Primary School) bullies had me convinced I was fat and ugly, I was very good at hiding how much that affected me mentally. No one knew exactly how much I struggled because as it turns out I am an ace at bottling my emotions. Eventually I attempted to stop eating to lose weight convinced if I just lost weight I would be beautiful and the bullying would stop and when I found that too difficult I became bulimic. No one knew I had this problem, I was scarily good at hiding it and in fact managed to hide it in a family of 5 for many months.

Sometime later my best friend who I didn’t get to see often because she moved 40 minutes away was hospitalised because her organs were shutting down due to anorexia, seeing her that ill made me do some serious thinking. I knew about bulimics and had stupidly talked myself into believing that I wasn’t one because bulimics threw up everything and I only made myself sick if I ate something naughty. Seeing my friend hospitalised and being told she might not come out scared me good and I decided to make myself stop.

And I did stop. My girlfriend got better and we have since talked about our experiences, until recently she was one of two people that knew I ever had a problem.

The thing about this kind of illness is that the mental battle doesn’t ever completely disappear. To this day I know she struggles with it sometimes. So do I.

I have been on the infertility journey for four years come this New Year’s Eve, for most of that time I have managed to keep my shit together, but every time I go and see a doctor or a specialist and get told I need to lose weight and that I am not doing enough or working hard enough it sparks a battle I have to work very hard not to succumb to.

Do I over indulge in my everyday life, hell yes, and if I am truly honest it happens too often. To be even more honest *deep breath* I have recently come to believe that I think (particularly in the past) that some of my overindulgence is to prove I am okay. I know this sounds so stupid but it is sometimes almost a test, like “I can totally eat this cheesecake without having a war in my head”. Not all of it is this way and I think it is subconscious, I am not even positive as to whether this is true (mix this with being an emotional eater and I think you really have something); it is just a thought that has been circling for a while now. It is possible it started off this way (pretty sure that part is true), but has now just become my lifestyle, habits that I now need to go back and break.

For me it was also about control. As a teenager I felt so out of control of every aspect of my life, I couldn’t even succeed in controlling my eating, but I could control whether it stayed in my body.

This brings me to why I am bringing this up now. I had not made myself sick for many, many years, over a decade in fact without a relapse. Then the constant and intense pressure from the specialist started, if I do not lose 10kgs I will not be put forward for IVF.

Just to be clear, if I cannot lose 10kgs you guys, I might never have a biological child. Which means my parents and T’s wouldn’t get grandbabies from us and T will never be a father. That is a fuck ton of pressure to carry around with you constantly, every day and with every food and activity choice you make. Slowly but surely the little wars started going on in my head again, the wars got longer and the devil on my shoulder started to gain ground. Still I thought I had everything under control. Then I started to feel as though T wasn’t as serious and dedicated to having a child as I was. I felt like I had to have surgery to get my ovaries drilled and he couldn’t even commit to the nights we were supposed to have sex because his work kept calling him up. The prospect of the needles and complete invasiveness that is IVF had me terrified and I just felt that I had absolutely no control over anything.

Then one day… the devil one a battle.

A couple of weeks later he won another one.

The worst part about it was the complete relief I felt afterwards, then I felt ashamed for feeling so relieved. I was at a crossroads, I could see the two roads in front of me and I needed to make a decision.

One night cinched the deal.

T and I were supposed to have happy time that night, but once again something kept him away so I was left waiting in bed trying to stay awake. Instead of being mad at his work or at him for not telling them to call someone else I turned on myself and after berating myself with stupid friggen stuff that in reality was for the most part untrue or greatly exaggerated I felt a very strong urge come over me. I knew this was the moment. So I made a decision.

I held my body in a tight foetal position with tears running down my face until T showed up. It took a long time for me to get out what was going on. I danced all around the subject. Started with telling him how I felt about his commitment to trying for a baby and his priorities in regards to work. Then my feelings of complete terror surrounding going through IVF (the fear is real guys, I don’t know why, perhaps it is fear of the unknown, but sometimes it is paralysing which is ridiculous. I think I feel like IVF is our Hail Mary pass and if that doesn’t work it’s all over). Then finally I took a deep breath breathe and I told him.

I told my partner of 8 years (husband for 4) that I had been bulimic on and off for a very long time as a teen and that I felt it coming back. I told him everything you guys, what brought on episodes, the fact that I had already succumbed twice in a few weeks and that I was pretty fearful of the road I was heading down.

Then I started sobbing and asked him if he thought less of me, he said of course he didn’t. Then I begged him not to tell my Mum because I was ashamed (ahh fuck it now I am crying). This is ridiculous because my parents would never judge me for this, but I didn’t want to let them down. I also didn’t want to feel like everyone was watching me looking for signs of it worsening. For anyone who has suffered with mental illness or eating disorders (and I am sure many other illnesses) you know exactly what I am talking about.

I made a deal to talk to T when I started having these feelings to try and cut them off before they become all-consuming to the point where I lose another battle.

Interestingly since I have told him the one big thing about me that I have never shared I have not had one instance of being even close to relapsing. I feel as though knowing that even in this we are facing the battle together has made me stronger.

I actually wrote this post 2 days ago and once I finished writing it I realised I should speak to my Mum so held off posting it until I had. She was okay and we talked about strategies to help me and everything. I feel better for being able to talk to her, but I really hadn’t wanted to add to her worries.

It’s okay to be me

This post was inspired by WordPress’ Daily Prompt ‘It Builds Character’.

I have already accidentally deleted this entire post twice because of strange things that the new interface does. I am unimpressed to say the least. So I will now write this in Word and copy paste :)

When I think back on characters that have had an effect on me, there is one in particular which stands out as being integral to the person I have become.

When I was young (prepubescent young), I was already aware that I was different from most of the other girls in the class. Whilst they were obsessed with ‘The Baby Sitters Club’ and ‘Sweet Valley High’ (both of which I read and enjoyed, but mainly they just gave me numbers for the read-a-thon each year) I was off reading ‘Matilda’ and authors like R.L Stine (not the Goosebumps books, the advanced stuff) and Tamora Pierce. I had great access to YA novels because my Mum was a Teacher Librarian at a High School.

Other girls my age wanted to play makeovers and weddings and I wanted to ride bikes and run through the bush. The girls I knew made games of imagining their weddings to a member of the Backstreet Boys or Hanson whilst I danced about the house singing to the score of ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.

Jo March from ‘Little Women’ was a trailblazer, in a time where it wasn’t proper for women to run through the woods, traipse about through brooks without shoes, yell out to or play with boys or write epic novels she did it all and everyone who mattered accepted her and loved her for who she was. Everything about this girl/woman appealed to me. It would be fair to say that as a young girl my biggest dream was to grow up to be Jo March. She was a hero to me. To this day she remains one of my favourite literary characters. In fact Jo March is probably the reason I have the guts to write online.


Jo also appealed to me because of her love of the written word and her strength of character and independence. You have probably noticed from my reviews of my books for 52 Books in 52 Weeks that I have a thing for strong female characters that shuck the norm and stereotypes. I still believe that this love of certain qualities in this character made me try to develop those characteristics in myself. As soon as I was old enough to work (14) I got an after school job. This made me feel amazing because I didn’t have to ask my mother to buy me things like deodorant and tampons (you have no idea how amazing it was as a 14 year old to not rely on someone else for your tampon stash!), this was my first step to real independence and I liked it. I saved my money from my job and when I graduated I paid my own way on a holiday with my friends, that is a pretty huge thing for an 18 year old to be able to do. Then when I was 19 I moved interstate to the desert, yup I moved to Ayers Rock, it was arid, hot, confronting and I was pretty innocent at the time (I hardened up quick though – read more about that here), I had no safety net there. I knew no one. It was the bravest and most awesome thing I think I have done. It was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it to this day!


I believe I have a lot to thank Jo March for. I have previously written about my love of both the book and movie and after reading back over this post I realise how big an impact my love of this character has had on me. As far as role models go I am pretty proud that she has been and continues to be mine.


House update #2

I know this house update is very, very tardy (sorry Amy :) ), but it is here now and we have made some great strides. I believe last time we talked we had a slab right? Well after that we got some frames:

First one floor…

'scuse the porta loo :)

‘scuse the porta loo :)

Then two floors…

2 floors

Then they did all the piping and whatnot…

pipes and stuff... also the back view of the house

pipes and stuff… also the back view of the house

and finally started laying bricks woohoo

Little bit of brickworkThen a little more brickwork and scaffolding to keep the guys safe as they do the roof tiles…

scaffolding and stuffThe above was taken on Sunday along with the one below which shows our roof tiles have arrived woohoo. It is hard to tell from the photo, but we also have our gutters in.

our Babylon roof tiles.

our Babylon roof tiles.

Everything is really starting to slowly take shape :)

I call into the darkness

Standing in the dark, a lone candle burning bright

The wick burns low, soon the darkness will surround

I scream into the black, daring it to bare it’s fangs

The beginning or the end, I just don’t give a damn


I dare you – come and get me,

I beg you to try

Step into the light that I may see your evil side

Exorcise this emptiness I feel inside of me



Why can’t I feel?

Something has to be real

In this world of burning fires

Devouring all shred of innocence

I am left untouched & ignored

Let them burn


This once proud warrior now fallen from grace

Now I stand on the precipice between destiny & fate

That once clear line now irreversibly blurred

The wind howls in the abyss who’ll fight for the lost – who cares


I dare you – come and get me

I’m choosing my own fate

I’m destroying my destiny

blowing up the gate

Come hold my soul in your hand

& watch it’s light burn out



Why can’t I feel?

Something has to be real

In this world of burning fires

Devouring all shred of innocense

I am left untouched & ignored

Let them burn


Nothing makes a difference in this world of black & grey

Use me, abuse me, beat & bruise me

Hate me, then take me, try now & suffocate me

How gallantly you’ll fight

How miserably you’ll fail

Still I call into the darkness

Come take me now!


Book spine poetry

I decided to try my hand at book spine poetry. Here is my first attempt:

My first attempt...

My first attempt…

Then a friend at work decided to challenge me to do a haiku. Sheesh… okay, here is my attempt at a haiku. Just saying, this one was much harder than I anticipated.

haiku 1

The third book title is “hidden”… irony???

Next I have been challenged to create some rhyming verse. Man, see what comes of randomly trying a new hobby? Hahaha.

In good news though, I posted the first pic to my FB page and 2 different schools are looking at putting together a teacher competition, how cool is that?!

What do you think? Are you into this whole book spine poetry thing?

Halloween Book Critters

So I found a picture similar to the critters we made somewhere a while ago. I can’t remember when I saw it, but the idea stuck with me and so I convinced my Youth Librarian friend that we totally had to make some Halloween Book Critters (payback for all the YA books I have read this year hahaha kidding).

So we were going to make 5 initially, but decided to go with four because of the space we had to put them in and honestly creating them took longer than we thought. I’m sure initially people thought we were silly spending so much time on a couple of decorations, but we were proud. Here they are…

This is Franky

This is Franky

Our witch

Our witch

Our spooky ghost

Our spooky ghost

and little Master Jack

and little Master Jack

Here they are on display

Here they are on display

Remember how I said people probably thought it was a waste of time? Well the public love them and have been taking photos. A staff member uploaded them to our Instagram page and we got 200 likes overnight and a bunch of libraries are now doing the same and tagging our library as the inspiration. How cool is that?!!!

A little fun can be great promotion :)

Happy Halloween everybody!

Best & Less website fail

So during lunch today I was browsing the ladies section on the Best & Less website and came across something strange. Apparently Best & Less staff forgot their coffee this morning and are having some issues with their tops and bottoms.

Dear Best & Less,

The yellow thing pictured below (image taken from your website) is not a pair of denim jeggings. It is in fact a tank top. Thought you should know.

Have a great day,


DitchTheBun :)

Capture2Just a quick something to hopefully make you smile :) Have a great day!

What’s the best marketing fail you have seen?


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