I was reading a blog post this morning where someone described just having a sit down on their patio and being still, being in the moment, I suddenly realised that whilst reading this post I had been jiggling my leg and attempting to skim through the post. I froze trying to figure out what on earth was going on here, reading about someone being still and taking time to enjoy a moment of silence was making me feel restless… are you kidding?! Am I that far gone that even reading about relaxation makes me jittery now? Whoa! Not good!
My mind raced trying to ascertain the reason for this restlessness and the leg jiggling that had alerted me to it, why was I uncomfortable with someone I have never met living god knows where having a sit down on a Sunday afternoon? This makes no sense! Did I think they were lazy? No. Could it be jealousy? I don’t know, perhaps… hmm maybe.
Jealousy?! Really?! Wow haven’t felt a real bout of that in what 10 years? Crazy! But then I thought she probably worked damn hard for that afternoon of sitting – the green beast replied, ‘any harder than you? Look at you!’. So I did, I took a good hard look at myself and realised that I am a bit of a mess, not on the outside because I am pretty good at maintaining facades it seems. On the outside I am the picture of organised, efficient, insightful, blah blah blah all those words. Inside the whole balance of mind, body and spirit… well right now I don’t think they have even met each other before… they are truly estranged!!! My life over the past 6 months has been crazy and I know I have abused every aspect of myself in attempt to soldier on and get everything done.
But, I am really starting to feel the effects of working full time, studying Uni at night, organising a wedding and being heavily involved with the pre-birth, birth and life of my baby sis’ surprise bub (first baby in the family since my brother 22yrs ago and she was misdiagnosed with digestive problems until 4 months before she was due).
The last week or so I have felt 75 or 80 rather than 21 (ok 28), everything is far more sluggish and my desperate need for sleep and rest screams at me from every pore. I am so grateful to pour myself into bed at the end of the day. I think the only thing keeping me going is healthy eating, coffee and a dream of the honeymoon just over the horizon.
I think my body is beginning to revolt against me the last two days I have had fevers and shocking headaches, which has forced me to spend more time at home, but still I did not rest as much as I should.
My mother finds this disgusting, but my time to myself where no one could get at me was going to the gym, I could turn on MY music and be totally alone in my little sphere for a while. When I was done I felt like I had done something good for my body, regained a little sanity and my thoughts were more in order and at the end I rewarded myself with a long shower (I never do this at home due to water and electricity costs). But with everything going on there hasn’t even been time for me to do this, last time I did a pilates class I almost fell asleep. I find solice in the fact that the major project I have been doing for work will be completed by the end of this week which should hopefully give me a little breathing space and less sleepless nights.
This is not enjoying life… this is spending my life working and my work to life balance is completely out of synch. I have managed to finish all my Uni assessments for the year ahead of time which is one less thing to worry about. This is really nice because now I am able to enjoy more of the wedding stuff rather than it feeling like a chore. And in 5 weeks time the wedding will be over and we will be on a tropical island with no mobile phones, laptops or internet and nothing to do but recreational activities… ohhh the joy!