Is it okay to eat the world?

It’s been a bad couple of days and it has been really hard to talk about it with anyone because I just am not even processing things at the moment. The only place I am functioning well at is work. I can shut off that emotion crap and get lost in my role. Currently the person I am at work is very different from the person I am at home. I am great at work, I am sparkle girl, I am organised and I get told that I have amazing initiative and they are so happy with me.

At home, as of last night at about 6pm I completely withdrew and basically went mute for a few hours.

I am going to talk about something I haven’t on here before, in fact I have only ever mentioned it to one person on WordPress and that was in comments on her blog. I want to talk about my brother. My brother has a reliance on pot. It worries the hell out of me because over the past few years I have seen it get worse and I have seen him change, he has 2 children who are almost 4 and 3 and the problem has gotten worse since the second one was born (I need to be clear though on the fact that it is never around the children and he never uses it where they can see and he doesn’t keep it where they can get to it). Both babies were unplanned and my brother and his partner were quite young for the first one and had not been together long. Please don’t think I am saying that he doesn’t love his kids, he does, he adores them, but he cannot handle them for long periods of time because his patience is just not awesome. He does know this about himself and is careful.

Basically in general both he and his partner are not dealing with life and their two toddlers. She isn’t working at all, he has casual jobs and seems to get sick a lot which means no pay when he doesn’t go to work. They both seem very dissatisfied with their life and bitch about each other to members of my family.

So now you know the background. The basics anyways…

Which brings me to Clomid – it has had its side effects and at first I thought that my want to withdraw all the time was the side effect, but I am not sure whether it is the side effect or withdrawing is my reaction to the fact I am emotional and don’t want to snap at anybody. Either way I have been trying to deal with that and if I am honest I haven’t been too awesome at it.

So last night I get home from work to my parents and my brother, his partner and my two nephews are there. There was a weird vibe going on and my Dad said not to ask about it, after awhile they went home. I assumed they had had an argument or something. I asked my Dad infront of my Mum and he said it had been a weird day and long story short she is pregnant.

Queue me shutting down in 3…2…1… I just emotionally shut down. I couldn’t deal with it. So I made the right sounds of shock and disbelief and the murmurs of concern and then went about my normal routine of getting dinner ready. Hubby came out (he works from home) for a coffee break and tried to engage me in coversation, I tried to make the right sounds, but we have been together for 8 years so it wasn’t going to fool him. He stopped me from flurrying about the kitchen, made me look at him and asked what was wrong. I couldn’t say it for a second, then when I did I just whispered it, “X is pregnant”. He looked at me for a second and then burst out laughing, “you have to be kidding me?!” he chortled, “what idiots, are you serious? How stupid can they be?!”. Then for just a minute my carefully constructed facade of nonchalance cracked and I started to cry. He engulfed me in a hug until the sniffles subsided and I sent him back to work pretending I was okay.

But I’m not. I am not okay you guys. This is not okay.

Apart from the fact that there is all the emotional issues related to the fact that we have been trying for over 3 years (which really would be enough) I am beyond concerned for this baby. Unless they both completely change their current lifestyles this child is going to have a mediocre life at best and I am not dealing with that. My oldest nephew is a very smart child, but they do not spend time with him teaching him things. They don’t take the boys out for experiences, basically the only place they go is shopping, we live 30mins from the beach and neither of them have ever been. The 3 year old is beyond coddled and is still taken out in onesies all the time, he is referred to as Bubby and is completely emotionally clingy and dependant on his mother and barely talks (he might say 4-5 individual words – no sentences) – there is not a medical reason for this, it is purely because they have not spent time teaching him things. They have just magically expected him to develop this stuff on his own as he grows. Neither boy has any kind of schedule and will sometimes be up until all hours of the night.

But then stupidly even after saying everything I have above, when my Mum said she had talked to her about the fact she needs to really think sensibly and that she does have ‘choices’ and whatever she decides is her choice alone – I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t process the fact that someone would be lucky enough to fall pregnant, but be so irresponsible and lazy that they can’t make an effort to get their lives together so that they can have it. That they would choose the easy way out.

Oh god I have to stop. I can’t. I am getting to upset about it again.

So basically I went through the motions, I made dinner, I ate dinner, I hid in the back room and watched Netflix and ate a LOT of chocolate, I brushed my teeth and went to bed. This morning I got up, brushed my teeth, had a coffee, Hubby tried to talk to me about it and I changed the subject, I caught up with my WordPress reader and then went to work. Once at work, work me emerged and got business done. But now, now I am home again and at home the problem is real and I don’t know how to deal with it yet. I want to eat everything, can I eat the world? On top of everything else I have weird achy feelings in my lower abdomen, they are really weird and I haven’t felt anything like it before. It is almost like when you get bloating before AF, but it is only in my lower abdomen. Is this some weird pre-AF Clomid side effect too? Or is hiding my emotions just wrecking havoc on my body?

I am really hoping the dam doesn’t break at some really weird time. Can you imagine me finding a handbag I adore and just bursting into sobs hugging it? My next blog may be from a padded room hahaha.

If any of you have some advice for me I would completely love to hear it. I am wide open to any kind of advice at the moment 🙂 Thank you for reading my rant and I am sorry if it upset anybody.

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About DitchTheBun

I work in a Public Library full time as the Reference & Information Services Librarian. It is a full on, busy role with much variety and many challenges and I love it! I love being able to be part of selecting books for our library service too, so amazing!!! I love the idea of thinking about our patrons and what they might enjoy reading. I have strange sometimes very outside the box ideas that I want to try at work, I just need to convince others of how awesome my ideas are. Saving the Library, one awesome plan at a time. Hmm... I need a cape - all the awesome super heroes have a cape! View all posts by DitchTheBun

35 responses to “Is it okay to eat the world?

  • Kate

    Clomid does have side effects. The ache in your lower abdomen could be just that, and feeling more emotional than normal. I know it sounds odd but try a teaspoon of honey a day. It is a hormone treatment (has been since the romans). It can be stressful when a family member has a kid and you are having problems.

    Up to last year I thought I was infertile. It hurt to hold and look after my sister’s kids. Now, thanks to some more medical investigation, I know I’m not. So I’m trying… But every month I feel the hope and it is emotionally draining.

    Good luck and I hope you have a small one soon. Good luck with your brother too. I hope he sees sense and gets his life back on track.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thanks Kate, each month definitely is a killer, but I cling to hope 🙂 Hopefully you will have your own little one soon too 🙂
      I am thinking the ache was a pre AF thing that happens on Clomid. That could be good because it means I might be pregnant if I don’t get it next month hahaha.
      Thanks for your kind words.

  • thebarrenlibrarian

    I don’t even know what to say. I COMPLETELY understand why you are upset-please allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. It IS legitimate. I wanted to get that out first of all.

    Secondly, clomid is the devil. I mean, it’s amazing too because it makes babies, but symptom wise it was something different for me every month I was on it. I give you a free pass to blame ALL OF THE THINGS on clomid.

    And while I’m not going to say you should binge, I will say that its national donut day and if you need one, you should have one. I eat my feelings too. You could have worse habits.

    Sending you much love.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much. It is nice to hear that I am not losing my mind. To be honest it took me a couple of days to even come back and check the blog because I felt so bad for writing that post, but at the same time I needed it out there.
      Clomid has done some weird stuff that I didn’t envisage. I never thought I would be so withdrawn, seriously I am a people person, but I am finding myself not answering friends msgs and stuff which is really bad! I do feel like I am doing it at least partly because I am worried about the emotional swings, but I don’t really know. Very weird. It is also the reason there was a chunk of time I didn’t post on here for a little while 🙂
      I had no idea national donut day was a thing, so obviously I Googled it and was amazed by the back story to this day. How incredible is that! 🙂
      I did break out a bit with food this weekend, but not as bad as I used to break out so I suppose that is good 🙂 No donuts though, chocolate is my drug of choice hahaha.

  • spiritbabycomehome

    I have been prescribed Clomid 3 times and never actually taken it but I buy what barren librarian says about it and Echo everything else she said. It’s okay to lose it over your brother’s situation (even without the devil drug). The monthly heartbreak of not conceiving is killer on its own, add in hormone-messing-up drugs and unplanned babies and pregnancy right up in your face and I would be a sobbing, chocolate-devouring pool of despair. I’m so sorry you’re hurting and you have these triggers around you when already so vulnerable.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you for your support. I like your way with words, “chocolate-devouring pool of despair” definitely has a ring to it 🙂
      To be honest it got worse the day after I wrote that post because I got my period. AF has been so rude to me the last 2 cycles, last cycle it arrived on Mother’s Day and this cycle it comes 2 days after finding out about someone elses pregnancy. RUDE! hahaha.
      I am feeling a lot better and am overwhelmed by everyone’s kind comments. Thanks so much 🙂

  • libraryowl33

    What you are feeling is completely normal and expected. Yes, some of the intensity may be from the Clomid, but the situation with your brother is unbelievably awful. The world is so unfair. I see terrible parents at the library all the time, and these are the ones bothering to bring their kids to the library at all. It breaks my heart and makes IF that much harder to grasp. To be related to a bad parent… Oh sweetie, I can’t even begin to imagine. Give yourself at least the weekend to process. Get lots of hugs from your hubby, and eat the world. I’m an emotional eater as well, and this situation is definitely a good reason. So many *hugs* to you.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much for your lovely words and support. I was a bit apprehensive to come back and see what people thought of the post (plus I got AF the next day so was in no mood to be posting LOL), but everyone is so supportive and amazing.
      I was a bit naughty, but suprisingly not as much as I could have been. In saying that a lovely patron bought in homemade Scottish shortbread so I am currently enjoying a piece with my morning coffee. My god she is a good cook 🙂
      I am feeling a lot better about it. They could have handled telling me better, but honestly I was never going to react well to it was I? The weekend did help, especially because it was a long weekend 🙂

  • Amy M.

    I’m sorry things with this situation have gotten so much worse. Honestly, I’m going to tell you how I would personally deal with this if I were you. I would have a long sit-down with your brother and his partner, probably with your parents there as well, and let it all out. Tell them how you feel about their lifestyle, about how they neglect their kids, how they already fail as parents, and how they should learn some sort of responsibility to NOT continue procreating when they don’t even know how to be adults. I would explain how they are not only hurting those kids, and themselves, but you as well. I would explain that every time they have another “oops” is like a slap in your face. (I’m assuming your family knows of your struggle already by saying this.) In the mean time…if you feel the need to binge for a couple days, it’s not going to kill you. Clomid can bring out crazy emotions, deal with them however you can get through it. I honestly would not just let this all fester though.
    I really, really wish that I could say these things to my cousin and his partner. But we live far, and basically never talk to each other. Like I said before in my post…I was never even told they were having a second child, until after it was born. If I do happen to see them in a couple weeks while we are up there, I probably won’t be able to control myself, and will probably ask them if they’re going to get their lives together and get off of drugs now. Their son was very babied and barely spoke as well, can’t even imagine how it will be with two of them now.
    Sorry this is so long, I guess I just had a lot to say about it. I wish people would realize what they are doing with their lives, and how their poor decisions affect everyone around them. If you need to “talk” please feel free to email me. AmyMLVT@gmail.com. Hang in there.

    • DitchTheBun

      Amy you are lovely, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I really like your suggestion and I took up part of it when his partner came over Saturday and (even though she didn’t know I knew) she just started talking about baby names. She seems so excited and is convinced it is a girl. I felt bad afterwards, but I said to her. Names should not be what you are focussing on now. You have a lot to think about. She asked what I meant and I said, “well for starters M (my bro) needs to find regular if not full time work. He absolutely needs to get completely off the pot and he needs to actually help you around the house and with raising the kids. You guys need to get in a schedule with the boys you already have because they need to be in that schedule when the baby comes otherwise you will be screwed. You have to get J (youngest boy) to stop being so clingy with you because you are not going to be able to carry him everywhere when you are 7 months pregnant” she kind of agreed with me but said she didn’t know where to start, I said I would be happy to come over and help her clean up and clean out their house as a starting point. I also said they needed to think about their car, she looked confused until I explained that three car seats would not fit in their car… then she looked scared. I felt bad for scaring her, but I think she needed to hear it. No good calling your kid Harmony if you can’t even fit her in the car to bring her home from hospital LOL.
      Thanks so much for the advice and being so supportive. I really hope your cousin does do the right thing and get themselves together for the sake of the children.
      If you ever need to chat please feel free to contact me too. I will send you an email so you have my details 🙂 Thanks again!

  • My Perfect Breakdown

    I am so sorry you are facing this heartbreak. I cannot help but think of how hurt and upset I was at the news of my in-law’s pregnancy – I’m still absolutely dreading the news that the baby has arrived. The world is just so unfair sometimes. And I’m sorry that you are left feeling alone and hurt.
    Also, I’m not sure if she’s still smoking pot while pregnant, but all the adoption literature and research we have done indicates that pot is the least damaging to a child when compared to every other drug and alcohol. In fact, research currently shows virtually no long term effects to the child.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you for your lovely words and support. Whilst I hate that anyone has to feel this way it is kind of nice that there are others out there that understand how I am feeling.
      I never knew that about pot… probably because I don’t smoke it hahaha. Luckily she doesn’t do drugs, drink or smoke, it is just my brother. She does eat a tonne of crap food and takeaway so I am hoping that improves, but on the scale of bad things that is kinda on the low side 🙂

  • amybee1000

    I don’t have any experience of Clomid but the way you feel is totally understandable to me. I’m currently a huge fan of building a big tower of pillows and beating the hell out of them 🙂 Give yourself a break – you deserve some love and kindness while you’re going through all this and the best person to deliver that is you. xxx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you for understanding. I love your pillow idea, it is funny you say that actually because I have been thinking I should go to kickboxing classes or something so I can take all of my feels out on a bag of sand hahaha.

  • EmilyMaine

    Ugh. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t want to sound trite and roll out the cliches. If that were me I’d be pulling out the chocolate bars too. FOR SURE. Even without the hormones added in (which would definitely make a difference) it is a shitty situation to be watching from the sidelines. I am sad for your brother that he has gotten his life to this and I am sad for your whole family as someone like this rocks life for everyone. I have a step brother who has had some serious drug and mental health issues so I understand how crazy it gets for the family. It started with pot in our situation too. People always go on about pot like “what’s the big deal?” because for so many it can be ok – and I have friends who were regular pot smokers while doing their PhDs – obviously not life limiting for them. But for some, it is a life destroyer and I know what that looks like. You have my eternal sympathy and a big fat hug. Hang in there. One day it will be your turn to hold a baby in your arms. xxx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. Drugs certainly do affect the whole family, not just an individual. They can never see that until they get out of it though. Pot can be okay, in fact I believe it is wonderful for things like chronic pain, relief for insomnia and athritis and great for people with sticks permanently wedged in their butt. But it can also become your whole life and then it becomes not okay.
      Thank you, I pray that day comes soon 🙂

  • yearningformotherhood

    Oh chick, so sorry. I totally totally get how you’re feeling, and I think most of us have been there. Life is just unfair – it’s a fact that we just have to come to terms with. My husband’s 36yr old lovely, intelligent best friend is dying of cancer when I see tonnes of druggies, heavy drinkers and smokers that don’t seem to give a monkeys about their lives, and just seem to pass all that by.
    I remember having a drag of a spliff (bad girl!) 2 years ago and worrying that *that* alone has affected my fertility! It’s amazing how his little swimmers are still swimming. But such is life.
    One day it WILL be you holding YOUR baby in your arms. But I have no doubt that your nephews benefit so much from having a kind, intelligent librarian as their aunt, and your new niece/nephew will too.
    Also, if it’s any consolation, despite my baby bean, I still haven’t been able to talk about or go and see my sister in law’s new baby. What a crap aunt am I xx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you, you are right. Sometimes it is just unfair. What can you do, but grieve, deal and then move on? 🙂
      I truly hope so. Hope is very powerful and I am clinging onto it 🙂 I do adore my nephews, I hope that they get as much out of spending time with me as I do with them.

  • Claudette

    Not having been in your situation I really don’t know what to say, except that your feelings need an outlet, maybe it’s food, maybe it’s anger, maybe it is that big stack of pillows already mentioned getting beaten flat. This is grief, and I do know that. Do what you need to do for you, accept love and support from your nearest and dearest, and at some stage things will calm down enough for you to breath in your heart.
    Big Hugs

    • DitchTheBun

      To be honest I don’t talk a lot about my infertility outside of my blog. No one I know is going through it and they have their own sh*t going on and I don’t feel like I should be burdening them with it. I went out with some friends on Saturday night and drove in with my best gf and I wanted to tell her about what had happened, but there were so many other things to catch up on that it never happened.
      Maybe part of me still feels like it means something is wrong with Mr T and me. I don’t know, I just know that I always feel like I am forcing awkward conversations on people who don’t understand what it is we’re going through.
      Thanks so much for your kind words and hugs 🙂 xx

      • Claudette

        You are more than welcome. You have to go with your heart, will it hurt more to talk – or not. I say forget what other people think, think about what you need ( I know, that isn’t easy). Hugs

        • DitchTheBun

          I definitely hear what you are saying, it is only partly that I wonder what they think. Mostly the thing is that I am really good at counselling others on their issues, but not so rad at talking about my own 🙂 This is why my nickname was “Counsellor Cat” at High School hahaha.
          You are right though, I really do need to talk about it more outside of the blog. Otherwise I fear there will be more rants like this post 🙂 The support I have had from you all here has been just overwhelming and I feel very blessed to have you all 🙂 x x

  • bhicks321

    Definitely give yourself time to process things in whatever way is necessary for YOU. I know it’s not the main factor, but it also used to kill me, especially in the area I live in, that people with no jobs, drug addicted (usually to meth or heroin), living off the government could get pregnant on a whim of a one night stand and there I was struggling every day. Knowing that it’s someone close to you, in your family, has to be especially hard. All you can do at this point is be there for your nephews and the new baby if they’ll let you. But first and foremost, take care of you. I still agree that this will be your year as well. My hopes are continually with you. If you want to look me up on Facebook (if you have it) just let me know.

  • Am I Thirty?

    I am so sorry to hear everything that you are going through. I have never been in a situation like this and I am not familiar with Clomid but your feelings are completely justified. The situation with your brother and nephews is bad enough without the Clomid most likely making things worse. Right now you deserve all the chocolate and Netflix you can get. You need to give yourself that time to process everything. And hopefully writing this helped a bit. It’s always good to have an outlet to express your feelings.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much! Everyone here has been so amazingly supportive, I am just overwhelmed!
      I think the Clomid played a big part in my reaction, it turns out that I was also suffering PMS which explains why I got so angry – I have very little patience when I am pre menstrual hahaha.
      I was a bit naughty and I definitely enjoyed my Netflix. I discovered this random New Zealand show which cracks me up. I will have to post something about it one day 🙂

      • Am I Thirty?

        Ah PMS will definitely do that. I’ve noticed that my PMS just gets worse and worse every month. I’m really irritable and get angry so easily. That definitely did help your situation. Glad the Netflix helped a bit. It really is the best to find hidden gems you otherwise wouldn’t have known about!

  • Katie

    First things first (((((hug))))). Secondly, I’ve been on clomid and it’s hard. I openly felt like I was having a breakdown, the influx of hormones and me just didn’t gel and Hubby and I argued constantly. I was irrational, unsettled and felt like I was going crazy. It’s understandable something like this would upset and/or you cope with it differently. Thirdly, when you’re on the TTC journey it’s tough, and no matter how supportive people can be unless they’ve gone through it they CAN lack a certain understanding. Perhaps protecting yourself from conversations about what your bro and partner are going to do (re: going forward) might help. It’s such a hard situation and I can only empathize but the focus should be on you right now and what you’re trying to achieve for your own little family. Have boundaries, protect yourself and try not to think about others for the moment. Difficult with family I know but you don’t need the added stress.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you, some awesome advice here I think. Particularly the protection stuff and I have noticed myself doing that a bit, when she starts babbling on about baby names and such I change the subject by asking about something else I know she likes to babble on about 🙂
      I think for me I find it really hard because we haven’t even been able to fall pregnant once, so so far I haven’t even got that ray of hope there of knowing it is possible. 🙂

  • Frustrations, ranting & fibbers. | Ditch the Bun

    […] in my post “Is it okay to eat the world?” you might remember me talking about the fact that my brother’s GF is now unexpectedly […]

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