Cycle fail and getting on with life

I haven’t been around the last week or so, sorry about that. Very bad of me.

So clomid round 2 was a failure, I had a bit of a breakdown the night before AF was due. On the Saturday we had been at my nephew’s birthday – they were turning 3 & 4 and my nephew had been asking me for a Buzz Lightyear toy for weeks so I had bought one for him and he just bubbled over with excitement and joy when he opened it. He was screaming, “BUZZ! It’s BUZZ! I got BUZZ!” he was so excited that whilst I was attempting to remove it from the box (seriously there are so many ties on those things) he was trying to play with it around me and saying over and over, “I love him, thank you, I love him”. I was so happy he loved it and at the same time I was thinking ‘are we ever going to have this moment with our own child? Are we going to be able to give them their first bike and teach them to ride it? It was quite devastating to think that it might not happen. I kept it together at the party and most of Sunday, but then as I was in the shower early Sunday night it all came rushing in and I just broke down. I got out, dried myself and went to my bedroom and over and over again I just kept begging AF not to come, it wasn’t long before Hubby found me. I don’t think he knew what to do because he had never seen me like this before. To be fair I don’t ever remember being that worked up, I was shaking I was so upset and mad at the same time because we have done all the right things and it just feels like a cruel joke. He let me cry it out and got me to tell him everything I was feeling, I was just raw and open and told him that sometimes I felt like a failure as a woman, I kept apologising for being broken at which point he got kind of frustrated and told me that this wasn’t my fault and I had to stop thinking like it was. The thing is I know this, but sometimes it doesn’t help and I think that breakdown has been working itself up for some time which is why it was so massive. I felt better afterwards for letting it all out and for talking and for letting myself feel the sadness of so many failed cycles. Generally I am a very positive person, but when you bottle away the pain and just keep moving on eventually the bottle spills over and you just have to take the time to FEEL it.

I am feeling much better and together now. I have talked to my boss about the fact I will have to go for surgery, even though I don’t know when yet I thought it best to give her a heads up because it is difficult to get time off sometimes, but if they are aware of what is going on they will do everything they can to work around you which is awesome. She confessed to me that she had this same operation twice and her talking to me about it was a complete blessing. I love you guys, but I had no one I could really talk to face to face about this and she just opened right up and told me about her experiences and we talked about what led to this point. I let her know how long we have been trying for children and she sympathised with me and said once it happened once she thought I would be fine and even suggested that I try again straight away after I get my first if I wanted two so there was a much smaller chance of meeting the same difficulties hahaha. My boss suggested this, she is so amazing. Even though it would mean a LONG time off work she was fully supportive of that idea. Whilst I know that this is not something we will pow wow about all the time, I realised that having someone in front of me talking about it gave me a lot of relief. I now find my level of freak out about surgery at an all time low 🙂

On the awesome news front… Our house was FINALLY approved by Council. We signed the first of the final bank papers and are signing the builders papers on Thursday. I can’t wait. So excited to get our build date!!! It’s been so long in the making that I almost feel like we should take a bottle of champagne down there for the day they break ground hahaha.

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About DitchTheBun

I have a new job and now work in a Public Library full time as the Reference & Information Services Librarian. It is a full on, busy role with much variety and many challenges and I love it! I have strange sometimes very outside the box ideas that I want to try at work, I just need to convince others of how awesome my ideas are. Saving the Library, one awesome plan at a time. Hmm... I need a cape - all the awesome super heroes have a cape! View all posts by DitchTheBun

36 responses to “Cycle fail and getting on with life

  • Elisha

    Oh sugars! I am so sorry! But so glad you were able to get it out and feel your “feels.” I am praying for you tonight. I won’t stop because i know it was that one prayer that Hannah prayed that turned it all around. Hang in there sugars! Xo 😘

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you. Yes I think the feels were demanding to be felt 🙂 I now believe that it is really important to make time for the feels.
      Thank you so much, that is lovely. I certainly appreciate it 🙂

  • libraryowl33

    I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. Going through the manic-ness that is Clomid and having AF show up is the WORST. I’m so glad you have someone IRL who you can talk to about all of this. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have two people who really get it who I see on a regular basis.
    So many *hugs*

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much!
      Yes I believe the Clomid hormones combined with the pre-AF hormones just created an explosion of emotion hahaha.
      Me too, it’s funny that the first person I have talked to about it in ages had a similar experience.

  • EmilyMaine

    Oh hon you poor thing. I think we all (on this fertility roller coaster) have had this moment so rejoice in the fact that you are nothing but normal. 🙂 It is a lot of pressure just added on ever so slightly with each round of trying. It is TIRING and EXHAUSTING and downright TRAUMATISING in fact (a counselor gave me that word to describe it and actually, she is right – it is fucking traumatising). So pleased you have a supportive hubby. That’s awesome. Yay about the house. Woooo! And freaking awesome about your boss having a story to share that gives you confidence and allows you to feel some understanding from someone in real life. I’m so pleased you were honest with her. 🙂

    • DitchTheBun

      Yay for being normal 🙂 I agree, it is traumatising and each month does add to it. My Hubby is awesome, I am so lucky.
      I am so excited about the house and you are so right about my boss, I felt all of those things after my chat with her. I think telling her and her knowing what I am going through will make it easier (no bad feelings) when I need time off work for surgery and appointments so it was definitely the right call 🙂

  • theskyandback

    I am so sorry that this cycle was not the one for you. Each failed cycle feels like a mini-death complete with grieving process and it is just awful. That is amazing that you have such a supportive boss. Truly amazing. Sending big hugs to you!

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much! I think you are right and sometimes you really need to give in and feel that, otherwise trapping it all inside is a recipe for badness.
      I got so lucky with my boss, I am glad I spoke to her!
      Hugs right back at you 🙂

  • Am I Thirty?

    I am so sorry with what you are going through. But so happy to hear that your feeling better and it’s awesome that you were able to find someone in real life to talk to and who can relate to your situation. That can really help.

    And congrats on the house. That’s awesome news! 🙂

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you. Yes, I am feeling much better after letting it all out and leaning on Hubby a bit. Talking to my boss was so great and not at all uncomfortable which is amazing.
      THANK YOU! I am so excited about the house. We sign the builders papers tomorrow. 🙂

  • My Perfect Breakdown

    I am so sorry that this cycle didn’t work and that you are stuck in this ongoing struggle. Your husband sounds just like mine, which is a good thing. I think it’s really hard for them to see us hurting to much and they just want to fix it and yet they cannot. It’s all just so hard.
    I’m pleased your boss was so supportive and that you now have someone in real life who gets it and is so supportive!

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you! The struggle is frustrating and so many other words that I don’t say in polite company 🙂 I am always inspired and uplifted by all of you on here who are going through it too. 🙂

  • headabovethewaves

    I’m sorry round 2 was a bust. Thinking about you. It never gets easy.

  • Amanda

    Huge hugs to you. I’m glad you’re getting a lot of support!

  • NotAPunkRocker

    I’m sorry to hear about this cycle. ((Hugs)) and love being sent to you, always.

  • Amy M.

    I’m so sorry you had a breakdown. Sometimes I think it’s just what we need to do, though. Our bodies and minds can only deal with so much, you know? I’m glad you’re feeling better now though. And awesome that your boss could relate to you about everything! My old office manager has PCOS as well, and was always great about checking in with me, I’m sad that she’s gone now. It truly makes all the difference in the world when you have someone you can talk to about things that understands.
    As for your house…HOORAY!!!!! Do you have any idea when they will break ground? And I know I’ve asked this before but I forget; how long will it take to build once they start? So very excited for you guys for this!!!

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you. I agree, I think I needed to breakdown in order to start my build back up 🙂 I know! How much did I score on my boss!
      So excited about the house!!! We sign the builders papers tomorrow and hopefully we will get a construction commencement date soon! I can’t wait!!! Finally!!!

      • Amy M.

        Yay! Let us know when you have a date! Is it close enough to where you are now that you’ll be able to go check on the progress? Or will they give you updates as things move along? So excited for you!!!

        • DitchTheBun

          It is about 30mins away (or more depending on traffic) so we will be able to visit a bit which will be awesome. I just can’t wait. The build will take 32 weeks so we will be going over into next year, probably March. Looking at feedback on forums for builders though they often deliver ahead of time which would be amazing.

          • Amy M.

            They do usually finish early, but weather plays a huge role in that. Like with ours, they had to wait 3 weeks to even start because of snow, otherwise we would have finished 3 weeks early!

          • DitchTheBun

            I doubt we have to worry about snow here, but the weather can get pretty wild during winter. Hopefully because we are on the tail end of winter now it won’t be too bad 🙂

  • Fagan

    I understand how you feel. My second round failed too. I take comfort in thinking that it will happen when it’s meant to. I’m with you and always sending positive vibes.

    • DitchTheBun

      Oh no, I was hoping for good news for both of us this cycle, I am so sorry.
      Yes it will, it will happen for both of us 🙂 I can feel it 🙂 In the meantime before I have this surgery I am enjoying a temp and schedule free cycle and Hubby and I are just enjoying each other 🙂 It’s kind of nice.

  • bhicks321

    I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I had a conversation that started with me saying “I’m sorry I’ve failed you” or “I’m sorry I’m broken” and even the occasional “Are you going to leave me if I can’t give you a child?” It’s a heart-wrenching process, but don’t give up hope. I think I ended up going through 5 cycles of Clomid, 4 at 50 mg and the final at 100 mg. You are an amazing, strong woman that I’m very glad to have come across!

    That’s so wonderful about your boss too! It’s nice to have support in front of you from someone who’s went through a similar situation.

    And yay for the house!!! Congrats!!

    • DitchTheBun

      OMG I totally said, “I’m sorry I’m so broken”!
      We did 2 at 50mg. Wow, that is a lot of Clomid cycles, I don’t know how you stayed sane. The emotional side effects were weird!
      Thank you so much, you are so awesome!
      I know, she is great right?! I am so glad I was straightforward with her, rather than being cagey about suddenly needing time off.
      Thanks!!! I am so excited!

  • PlatinumBlondeMom

    First time reader, and I instantly adored your candor. I’m sorry you have to go through this, and the irony is that I’m a postpartum nurse, so reading your story was reminding me of all the patients I have had who have shared their infertility struggles with me. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel much better than your boss did. But I do hope you keep your chin up.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much for stopping by 🙂 I am so glad you enjoyed visiting, as for candor I really am pretty straightforward about things aren’t I hahaha it’s a blessing and a curse 🙂 I promise that my level of tact is pretty good though.
      Hope is an amazing thing, every now and then it slips away from you for a minute, but you can always get it back if you try 🙂 I am a big believer in keeping hope alive and keeping your spirits up.
      Thanks so much for your comment!

  • ScreamerDreamer

    No spectacular words of wisdom, but both my kids are Clomid babies. I also have PCOS. It took awhile to conceive my daughter (after a miscarriage) and we didn’t want to waste time struggling to conceive a second child. My son was conceived the very first round of Clomid. (Hence my kids are super close in age.) Everyone’s struggle and story is different, but I’m confident yours will have its own unique happy ending.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you for your comment, I’m so glad Clomid worked for you. I had high hopes, but it was not to be 🙂 I love the idea of the “unique” happy ending. That’s lovely, thanks!
      My nephews were born 1 year and 2 days apart and my nieces were born 1 year and 3 weeks apart hahaha so I know what you mean by close in age, but I think it is really good for them because they are so close (emotionally) to each other 🙂

  • purpleslobinrecovery

    Wow, Ditch, I’m so sorry to hear about your infertility problems. I’m glad you finally let out all your frustrations. And talked with your husband. We as people are not meant to carry all our burdens alone.
    Heck yes! Break that champagne over the groundbreaking shovel!
    Congrats on that.
    I certified as a librarian too!
    Melinda

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you, it’s a journey, but I still have hope that it will have a happy ending 🙂 I am lucky that I have someone amazing that I am able to talk to about this stuff.
      I know right. The approval to commence construction was delivered to the builder today which means that will commence building within 20 working days… woohoo.
      Congrats! I love being a Librarian 🙂 It’s a very rewarding job most of the time hahaha.

      • purpleslobinrecovery

        It’ll be exciting to see the progress of the house as it’s built!
        I never worked as a librarian, actually. Just got certified, and couldn’t get a job, cuz they wanted everyone to have a Master’s degree. Really?? Whatev… Guess certification means diddly.

  • Raw: Infertility | Ditch the Bun

    […] Amongst all of the above you will need to be seeing probably a GP and a Fertility Specialist (because we are all made of money too) and they might put you on Clomid which turn your ovulation cycles into overdrive, imagine if a normal ovulation cycle is a Nicholas Sparks novel inspired film like the Notebook, well Clomid and it’s awesome emotional side effects are the equivalent of Arnie taking on the predator. You will be WAY emotional, in fact on day 6 of my first round of Clomid I cried in the middle of a restaurant you can read about cycle 2 of Clomid here and here. […]

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