I haven’t been around the last week or so, sorry about that. Very bad of me.
So clomid round 2 was a failure, I had a bit of a breakdown the night before AF was due. On the Saturday we had been at my nephew’s birthday – they were turning 3 & 4 and my nephew had been asking me for a Buzz Lightyear toy for weeks so I had bought one for him and he just bubbled over with excitement and joy when he opened it. He was screaming, “BUZZ! It’s BUZZ! I got BUZZ!” he was so excited that whilst I was attempting to remove it from the box (seriously there are so many ties on those things) he was trying to play with it around me and saying over and over, “I love him, thank you, I love him”. I was so happy he loved it and at the same time I was thinking ‘are we ever going to have this moment with our own child? Are we going to be able to give them their first bike and teach them to ride it? It was quite devastating to think that it might not happen. I kept it together at the party and most of Sunday, but then as I was in the shower early Sunday night it all came rushing in and I just broke down. I got out, dried myself and went to my bedroom and over and over again I just kept begging AF not to come, it wasn’t long before Hubby found me. I don’t think he knew what to do because he had never seen me like this before. To be fair I don’t ever remember being that worked up, I was shaking I was so upset and mad at the same time because we have done all the right things and it just feels like a cruel joke. He let me cry it out and got me to tell him everything I was feeling, I was just raw and open and told him that sometimes I felt like a failure as a woman, I kept apologising for being broken at which point he got kind of frustrated and told me that this wasn’t my fault and I had to stop thinking like it was. The thing is I know this, but sometimes it doesn’t help and I think that breakdown has been working itself up for some time which is why it was so massive. I felt better afterwards for letting it all out and for talking and for letting myself feel the sadness of so many failed cycles. Generally I am a very positive person, but when you bottle away the pain and just keep moving on eventually the bottle spills over and you just have to take the time to FEEL it.
I am feeling much better and together now. I have talked to my boss about the fact I will have to go for surgery, even though I don’t know when yet I thought it best to give her a heads up because it is difficult to get time off sometimes, but if they are aware of what is going on they will do everything they can to work around you which is awesome. She confessed to me that she had this same operation twice and her talking to me about it was a complete blessing. I love you guys, but I had no one I could really talk to face to face about this and she just opened right up and told me about her experiences and we talked about what led to this point. I let her know how long we have been trying for children and she sympathised with me and said once it happened once she thought I would be fine and even suggested that I try again straight away after I get my first if I wanted two so there was a much smaller chance of meeting the same difficulties hahaha. My boss suggested this, she is so amazing. Even though it would mean a LONG time off work she was fully supportive of that idea. Whilst I know that this is not something we will pow wow about all the time, I realised that having someone in front of me talking about it gave me a lot of relief. I now find my level of freak out about surgery at an all time low 🙂
On the awesome news front… Our house was FINALLY approved by Council. We signed the first of the final bank papers and are signing the builders papers on Thursday. I can’t wait. So excited to get our build date!!! It’s been so long in the making that I almost feel like we should take a bottle of champagne down there for the day they break ground hahaha.