Feeling a little blue

Unfortunately not the clearblue, which is the blue we all want to be feeling am I right? Well, except if it brings you a BFN.

I worked nightshift tonight and PJ Storytime was on a my Library. It was quite confronting to see so many toddlers running about the library. Don’t get me wrong, I love PJ Storytime… normally and it is always packed. But we are coming up to the end of the first cycle since my surgery and to be honest I am kinda packing it. Which is stupid really because the chances of me being pregnant are very slim, we didn’t fool around as much as we should have due to Hubby’s work being ridiculously busy and having him in overtime constantly.

So I keep telling myself these things, we didn’t have enough super mega fun happy time, we did do it around the right times, but not a lot so there is every chance that nothing happened. Aren’t I supposed to keep hope up though? I don’t know anymore. I guess I have been so full of hope for other cycles and the fallout has been terrible so I am not letting my hope get up this cycle. I still think the fallout will be bad though.

I think all of this is heightened tonight because I go and see the specialist tomorrow for the first time since surgery and I know he is going to ask about my weight (which had gone up a couple of kilos, but those are almost all off now) and because I haven’t lost his magical 10kgs number we won’t go forward with IVF yet. To be honest I am not too upset if we just try for a couple of cycles, maybe the clean out and flush and ovarian drilling he did will have some effect.

I feel like I am at a crossroads at the moment. I know what I need to do moving forward if I am honest, but man it is hard for me. I have been making small life changes with the aim of making them habits (which I have), but I feel like I am going to have to do something drastic diet wise for awhile to really get the kgs off, but then I know they will come back on again. Man this is hard.

IF sufferers unite 🙂


About DitchTheBun

I wear many hats; Librarian, Mum, Wife, Sister, Daughter Friend, Health and Knowledge Seeker. Here is where I explore the many aspects of me and try new things on my journey. View all posts by DitchTheBun

17 responses to “Feeling a little blue

  • libraryowl33

    Oh, we are so united!! I was supposed to lose at least 10 lbs, and instead I’ve put on 4lbs. Fabulous. Oh, and I think when dealing with the tww it’s normal to keep your hopes in check after awhile; it helps control the need for chocolate in the case of a BFN. Well, I’ll be over here hoping for a different result for you this month 😊

    • DitchTheBun

      Thanks 🙂
      It is so difficult to lose weight and I find the fatigue that comes with PCOS and Insulin Resistance makes it difficult too, once I have done a full days work and organised dinner the last thing I can get up for is exercise.
      To be honest if I am going to get a BFN I am going to be craving chocolate pre AF anyways hahaha.
      I have done some research/reading stories from other women and the overwhelming story seems to be that the majority of women fall in their 2nd cycle after ovarian drilling so I am holding onto that too 🙂

  • Amy M.

    Sorry you’re feeling down. I’ve been so stuck with my weight as well. The very first of the year I lost 12lbs fairly quickly, and I’ve been stuck there ever since. I know it’s my own fault, as I don’t make the best food choices (I was doing well for a while, but that’s gone out the window) and don’t exercise, but I have such a hard time making myself do these things. Hopefully we’ll both find the strength to start doing this together!

    • DitchTheBun

      I make okay main meal choices, but sucky snack choices sometimes. I have managed to lose 9kgs (19lbs? I think), but I don’t think I am going to be able to keep going down without some serious exercise and changes to snacks.
      I have some serious thinking to do on this because if I make major changes I will lose weight, but it will come back on quick. I need to figure out a way to make the changes, leave room for some naughty behaviour (to prevent me throwing myself off the wagon), get exercise and keep weight off. That’s a whole lot of thinking and working out… my brain is tired just thinking about it 🙂
      One step I have made is to join pinterest, I often find amazing healthy recipes on there so have started a board to gather them there. If I bookmark all the things I want to try then they are in one space for me to draw on when I need inspiration.
      We can do it 🙂

      • Amy M.

        I refuse to get a Pinterest account, I know I’d be on it all the time! I’ve been so down and out lately with the blood crap and being forced to go on hold that I just stopped caring. Hopefully once we get closer to starting again, I’ll start feeling better about everything and get it together again.

        • DitchTheBun

          I think for me when things are getting me down my way of not letting it become all consuming is to find a new project. This wasn’t a BIG project, but it was something I had wanted to get my head around for awhile, I had loitered by looking at pages, but had none of my own. I have to admit it is pretty addictive! Hahaha
          I think my husband is very much in your kind of headspace at the moment, he has just got into this online gaming league for the top players of this particular and he has thrown himself into that with serious gusto and I see him for a very short time each night now 😦
          I will see how my appointment goes with the doc and then this weekend I think it is time to have a serious think about my lifestyle. 2015 was supposed to be my baby year and I only have 3 more cycles to do it hahaha.

  • mamajo23

    I’m sorry. It really all is so hard. Having to lose weight in the midst of all this stress must be so challenging. It sounds like you are doing your absolute best. I think it is smart to start small and change your habits. Sure hope your miracle comes soon!

    • DitchTheBun

      The stress is a killer because stress makes me want to eat lol.
      I have previously lost huge amounts of weight doing it as a total lifestyle change and I have fallen off the wagon and put it all back on plus some. I felt that making small changes and turning them into habits would be a way to prevent that from happening again 🙂
      Thanks so much, here to hope 🙂

  • NotAPunkRocker

    I’m sorry this is a strange, difficult time for you and I totally get you on the having to do SOMETHING but then…eh. ((hugs))

  • EmilyMaine

    It IS hard. The while kit and kaboodle. And if dealing with repeated disappointment makes you pragmatic and less hopeful then I say that is OK. Whatever protects your heart and jeeps you sane. You will have hope again. It cycles. In the meantime I will keep the hope for you xxx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thanks lovely, those are some seriously lovely words 🙂
      It’s funny that for so much of my life I dreaded falling accidentally pregnant and now I would do anything to see two lines on that stick. Life is a b*tch that way hahaha.

  • Faye Elizabeth

    Hey! Thanks for popping over to my blog and hitting the follow button!
    Sorry your IF journey isn’t going as well as you’d hope right now. If there is any advice I could give RE weight loss, would be to check out the ‘Eat Well Plate’ website. It’s something I did for 8 months and I lost 2 and a half stone, which I have maintained now for 5months. It teaches about food groups and portion sizes, it really opened my eyes about the foods I was eating and what I thought was good but isn’t.
    Hitting the follow button on your blog now!

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