The Final Truth

* Trigger Warning: I am going to talk very seriously about eating disorders. These are my experiences and some might find the descriptions of emotions hard to deal with. Oh and also I swear 🙂 *

This is a hard subject for me to write about, but I have been inspired by another blogger’s honesty and felt it was time for some of my own.

In High School (and some of Primary School) bullies had me convinced I was fat and ugly, I was very good at hiding how much that affected me mentally. No one knew exactly how much I struggled because as it turns out I am an ace at bottling my emotions. Eventually I attempted to stop eating to lose weight convinced if I just lost weight I would be beautiful and the bullying would stop and when I found that too difficult I became bulimic. No one knew I had this problem, I was scarily good at hiding it and in fact managed to hide it in a family of 5 for many months.

Sometime later my best friend who I didn’t get to see often because she moved 40 minutes away was hospitalised because her organs were shutting down due to anorexia, seeing her that ill made me do some serious thinking. I knew about bulimics and had stupidly talked myself into believing that I wasn’t one because bulimics threw up everything and I only made myself sick if I ate something naughty. Seeing my friend hospitalised and being told she might not come out scared me good and I decided to make myself stop.

And I did stop. My girlfriend got better and we have since talked about our experiences, until recently she was one of two people that knew I ever had a problem.

The thing about this kind of illness is that the mental battle doesn’t ever completely disappear. To this day I know she struggles with it sometimes. So do I.

I have been on the infertility journey for four years come this New Year’s Eve, for most of that time I have managed to keep my shit together, but every time I go and see a doctor or a specialist and get told I need to lose weight and that I am not doing enough or working hard enough it sparks a battle I have to work very hard not to succumb to.

Do I over indulge in my everyday life, hell yes, and if I am truly honest it happens too often. To be even more honest *deep breath* I have recently come to believe that I think (particularly in the past) that some of my overindulgence is to prove I am okay. I know this sounds so stupid but it is sometimes almost a test, like “I can totally eat this cheesecake without having a war in my head”. Not all of it is this way and I think it is subconscious, I am not even positive as to whether this is true (mix this with being an emotional eater and I think you really have something); it is just a thought that has been circling for a while now. It is possible it started off this way (pretty sure that part is true), but has now just become my lifestyle, habits that I now need to go back and break.

For me it was also about control. As a teenager I felt so out of control of every aspect of my life, I couldn’t even succeed in controlling my eating, but I could control whether it stayed in my body.

This brings me to why I am bringing this up now. I had not made myself sick for many, many years, over a decade in fact without a relapse. Then the constant and intense pressure from the specialist started, if I do not lose 10kgs I will not be put forward for IVF.

Just to be clear, if I cannot lose 10kgs you guys, I might never have a biological child. Which means my parents and T’s wouldn’t get grandbabies from us and T will never be a father. That is a fuck ton of pressure to carry around with you constantly, every day and with every food and activity choice you make. Slowly but surely the little wars started going on in my head again, the wars got longer and the devil on my shoulder started to gain ground. Still I thought I had everything under control. Then I started to feel as though T wasn’t as serious and dedicated to having a child as I was. I felt like I had to have surgery to get my ovaries drilled and he couldn’t even commit to the nights we were supposed to have sex because his work kept calling him up. The prospect of the needles and complete invasiveness that is IVF had me terrified and I just felt that I had absolutely no control over anything.

Then one day… the devil one a battle.

A couple of weeks later he won another one.

The worst part about it was the complete relief I felt afterwards, then I felt ashamed for feeling so relieved. I was at a crossroads, I could see the two roads in front of me and I needed to make a decision.

One night cinched the deal.

T and I were supposed to have happy time that night, but once again something kept him away so I was left waiting in bed trying to stay awake. Instead of being mad at his work or at him for not telling them to call someone else I turned on myself and after berating myself with stupid friggen stuff that in reality was for the most part untrue or greatly exaggerated I felt a very strong urge come over me. I knew this was the moment. So I made a decision.

I held my body in a tight foetal position with tears running down my face until T showed up. It took a long time for me to get out what was going on. I danced all around the subject. Started with telling him how I felt about his commitment to trying for a baby and his priorities in regards to work. Then my feelings of complete terror surrounding going through IVF (the fear is real guys, I don’t know why, perhaps it is fear of the unknown, but sometimes it is paralysing which is ridiculous. I think I feel like IVF is our Hail Mary pass and if that doesn’t work it’s all over). Then finally I took a deep breath breathe and I told him.

I told my partner of 8 years (husband for 4) that I had been bulimic on and off for a very long time as a teen and that I felt it coming back. I told him everything you guys, what brought on episodes, the fact that I had already succumbed twice in a few weeks and that I was pretty fearful of the road I was heading down.

Then I started sobbing and asked him if he thought less of me, he said of course he didn’t. Then I begged him not to tell my Mum because I was ashamed (ahh fuck it now I am crying). This is ridiculous because my parents would never judge me for this, but I didn’t want to let them down. I also didn’t want to feel like everyone was watching me looking for signs of it worsening. For anyone who has suffered with mental illness or eating disorders (and I am sure many other illnesses) you know exactly what I am talking about.

I made a deal to talk to T when I started having these feelings to try and cut them off before they become all-consuming to the point where I lose another battle.

Interestingly since I have told him the one big thing about me that I have never shared I have not had one instance of being even close to relapsing. I feel as though knowing that even in this we are facing the battle together has made me stronger.

Addition:
I actually wrote this post 2 days ago and once I finished writing it I realised I should speak to my Mum so held off posting it until I had. She was okay and we talked about strategies to help me and everything. I feel better for being able to talk to her, but I really hadn’t wanted to add to her worries.

Advertisements

About DitchTheBun

I have a new job and now work in a Public Library full time as the Reference & Information Services Librarian. It is a full on, busy role with much variety and many challenges and I love it! I have strange sometimes very outside the box ideas that I want to try at work, I just need to convince others of how awesome my ideas are. Saving the Library, one awesome plan at a time. Hmm... I need a cape - all the awesome super heroes have a cape! View all posts by DitchTheBun

22 responses to “The Final Truth

  • laugraeva

    So honest and brave of you to write that post. So sorry you’re having to go through that, I can’t imagine how much pressure that would be. And well done for talking to people in your life about it! I hope in doing so and writing the post you felt some relief.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much. I do feel as though I am facing it more. A battle is always harder when you are fighting it alone and by putting it out there in the open I think it has helped a lot.

  • EmilyMaine

    First of all, come on over here and give me a great big hug! You are so brave and just amazing to write this post and be so honest with yourself. Being true to what is happening within our own world is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I am so plsd you told hubby and your mum. I am sure she is glad that she knows and just wants to be there for you.

    Now strangely enough today I was reading this book which is a memoir written by a dude and he talks about how he suffered from bulimia to some extent for most of his life. The bit I was reading today talked a lot about how he finally went to talk to a therapist about it when he was in his 40s and it seems the act of doing that was really healing for him so if you are thinking you might chat to someone then that could be a good thing for your long term.

    Lastly I thought I’d just mention to you that today I signed up to do the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation. I’m not telling you this because I think you should do it. I don’t. You should do whatever makes you comfortable on your own journey. However if you’ve ever thought that you might like to do it but have been afraid to do it on your own or just didn’t want to go solo then I am doing it the next round starting 14 Dec and I’m be psyched to have you as a buddy. Obviously I’m on the pregnancy program but it doesn’t matter if you do different programs, the start date and general philosophy remains the same. She does have a pretty intense regime for exercise for the regular programs but she offers options to do it at home or at a park, you don’t need to gym it. And even if you only did half as much exercise as she suggests and just stuck to the food you would definitely lose weight. The food is great. It is all meal plans and you honestly eat so much on it. A friend of mine lost about 25kg on it a couple of years back and pretty much eats the same food now and she says she has never eaten so much in her life after years of dieting. I like the food thing as it taught me a lot about portion sizes and balanced meals etc. I don’t agree 100% with all her food choices but it is a pretty good start to healthy balanced eating. I’m doing it as I have gotten slack and can use the guidance of a course to keep me on track (I’m such a rule follower!). It’s nice to refresh yourself too! Anyway, there is no pressure for you to do something like that AT ALL. I was just putting it out there in case it resonated with you and it is totally ok if it doesn’t.

    You have done something so amazing for yourself this week. I am so proud of you for putting yourself out there. xxx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thanks so, so much for your support! Best comment ever 🙂
      I have done the 12WBT before and it worked pretty well for me. I think I lost about 7kgs. Like you I found some of the food great (loved her parmigiana recipe that I thought I would hate), some of it I couldn’t stand, but I learned a lot from her about healthy food combinations. Just a heads up, if it calls for kangaroo mince be careful… all the butchers I went to only had kangaroo mince that was suitable for eating by pets… not made for human consumption. I loved her apple bircher muesli om nom nom!
      I would be totally interested, but hubby and I had a long chat and he wanted to try a protein shake thing with me and he has never shown any interest in healthy eating of any type so I was all in for that 🙂
      Best of luck and feel very free to share any awesome recipes she has 🙂

      • EmilyMaine

        Oh yeah I don’t do kangaroo mince anyway. I can’t bring myself to eat skippy! Plus it is on the no list when pregnant anyway I think so shouldn’t be on her recipes. I think it is so great that hubby wants to join you in doing something. That is AWESOME! Are you doing the Isagenix shakes? Friends of mine have done that a few times (her and her hubby) and they always get great results across the 30 days. Good luck on your journey. I will always be at the sidelines with the pom poms for you. xx

        • DitchTheBun

          Oh well there you go, I didn’t know it was a no no.
          I know, I was quite surprised, but very pleased. A friend recommended Isagenix, she went on it and said the difference in her energy levels was amazeballs and she has been on it for almost two months (second month just on the normal program) and she has lost almost 10kgs. She has PCOS too and found it so difficult to shift weight, but it dropped off her and she said the symptoms of PCOS have been greatly reduced with her so she is ecstatic. I have been seriously considering it. I will see how I go with Hubby and if I haven’t shifted anything much by the time the protein powder runs low then I will look at Isagenix again. 🙂
          Oh thanks hun, I am always here with pom poms for you too 🙂

  • mamajo23

    I am amazed by your strength. It takes a lot to share this with us, T and your Mom. I do understand the control aspect and it totally sounds like you are doing everything in your power to keep this illness at bay. Ps- f those horrible bullies in HS. Love and hugs. Xoxo

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much. It did take a lot to post it. The way I managed to write it was to think of it as telling a story. Then it took me 2 days to actually publish it. But it is out there now and I do feel better for doing it. This year one of my resolutions was to embrace truths about myself and I think this is the ultimate one.
      Bullies are a-holes, but they have such an effect on us. xxx

  • spiritbabycomehome

    You have been incredibly courageous and committed to share this; please give yourself a huge pat on the back and a warm hug from me. I suffered from anorexia when in my teens and relapsed terribly in my twenties living in Mexico then struggled with bulimia (which I convinced myself was less unhealthy than just never eating – WTF?!?) and I don’t really indulge either now. Except when I’m super stressed out and the need to control *something* comes up. Then the pull to stop eating or purge whatever I’ve eaten is so strong. I have mostly succeeded in overcoming that bastard urge but I have watched how the stress of miscarriages and pregnancy scares left me feeling helpless and wanting to control everything that crossed my lips (or didn’t). It’s no way to live and while I am glad I don’t live like that anymore I must say the pull never leaves. It’s been over 20 years for me… I’m in recovery. But I will never be cured. It’s hard to say that. But you are so right – owning it brings a peace nothing else can. I wish you so so so much peace and support from your loving spouse and family as you keep working toward your goals and against those devilish voices in your head.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much for your support. It is pretty obvious that you absolutely know where I am coming from. I totally remember having conversations where I convinced myself that my personal brand of purging was okay because I only did it if I binged on bad food. The things our brain tells us. And you are right, if there is a cure I have yet to find it.
      Owning it and being open about it has certainly helped so much, being honest about what is a trigger for me with my Husband has been awesome. He is more aware of the fact that we only see each other for 30mins a day sometimes and is now more likely to say no to work when they call on him. In saying that this weekend was ridiculous, but we both have next weekend off. 🙂

  • theskyandback

    Wow, I applaud your honesty. It was so brave of you to share your story with us and also those that you’re closest to. That takes a lot of strength. Love and hugs to you.

  • Amy M.

    So proud of you for being so brave to talk about this. I imagine that you’ve felt more in control of things since telling your hubby and mom because you aren’t hiding a huge secret anymore. When you keep something secret, I feel like you’re giving it power…once you talk about it, you take some of its power away. I hope that makes sense…its late and I’m a bit sleepy.
    I know we’re super far apart, but I’ll do whatever I can to help you through all of this. I know we’ve talked a bit about keeping each other in check and checking in with each other as far as diet and exercise. I haven’t started tracking anything yet, mostly because I’ve been busy and procrastinating, but if it will help you then I’ll get on it! I believe you have my email, if not you can always message me on Facebook whenever you want. If there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask!! *hugs!

    • DitchTheBun

      Thanks so much.
      It does make sense and I do feel like I have more control over it now.
      It is a great time of year to be busy and procrastinate hahaha. I am great at this also 🙂 I was thinking of perhaps putting together a private FB group called something awesomely lame like ‘PCOS Power’ 🙂 and filling it with my tracking and sharing foods and recipes on it. What do you think? Interested? That way it is not as formal, but we can check in when we want to.

      • Amy M.

        Oooh that’s a good idea! I’m not the best at keeping up with emails…I try, and I have the best intentions, it just doesn’t always work out. :-/ And on the procrastination…I keep saying to myself “Oh I’ll just eat this now and start keeping track tomorrow!” This time of year especially is so hard to start trying to eat better, with so much food shoved at you from all directions. Realistically, it will all be over in a couple weeks, so I guess it isn’t that bad, right!

        • DitchTheBun

          Yeah I am not great at emails either. We both seem to check FB regularly though so I thought that would be a good option, plus it is easier to post stuff and look back on our journey 🙂
          Haha I do that too LOL. It is SO hard! Why does food have to taste so good?!
          I’ll look into setting up a private FB group then? 🙂

  • Sana@Projecthinspiration

    Wow! I have to say you are one of the bravest people I’ve come across. I know exactly how pressing this issue is of wanting to lose that 10kg before IVF, I’m in the same boat.
    just know that you confiding in your husband will probably be an amazing cushion to fall back on, and make you accountable.

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you so much. I think confiding in my Husband and Mum was a really good start. Really hard to fight this battle solo, but just the act of sharing and knowing that support is there has made me feel so much better.

  • Holly

    ((Hugs))) You and I have a lot in common and I am so glad that T and your mom are there for you in this ongoing battle. I wish I knew the answers, I still struggle with this everyday (and part of why my blog is a new safe place, hint hint).

    • DitchTheBun

      It is an ongoing struggle and support is amazing. I don’t think there is any magical answer, but the fact we keep looking for it is a good thing 🙂
      I have checked out your blog and followed 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: