What now?

Well I was right. This cycle didn’t work. It was a heartbreaking realisation. By the time we did our blood test on Saturday I was so positive that it didn’t work that I convinced Hubby to go to coffee after they had taken blood.

Meanwhile the woman who called me back to confirm the bad news probably shouldn’t be making bad news calls. It was completely awkward and if I had have been in a different place, i.e. no bad symptoms and still full of hope I don’t know how the phone call would have gone. I told them I wanted a month off for my body to recover. She even said weird things like ‘generally we find that younger women like yourself find more success with frozen cycles’ umm then why did we ever try a fresh transfer? Don’t say stupid crap like that to women hyped up on hormones who you have just told that a $10k IVF cycle resulted in nothing. Then she said some other stuff and ended with, ‘okay well we will hear from you when you want to proceed with treatment again, if you do want to contact us ever again’ err… what? What a weird ass thing to say. Sweetie, you people have my frosty babe… I am coming back for them.

If the FET transfer doesn’t work, or they come back and say that the testing showed it wasn’t a good quality embryo I think we will look at going somewhere else. I have done some research and it looks as though Primary IVF might be pretty decent, it is practically next to Genea and they bulk bill so the pricing is ridiculously cheaper. We could do more than 10 full IVF cycles on what it costs us to do one at Genea. I have talked to a few women who have gone there (IVF support group via Facebook) and they all love the place. If anyone reading this has been I would love to hear your feedback. Unfortunately they are apparently really strict on BMI so we might not be accepted by them.

The grieving process for this was really bad. It happened the first night I started bleeding. My husband had never seen me like that and had no idea what to do. I blame those freaking hormones. I literally had no control over my emotions and I completely lost the ability to rationalise anything. I was a CRAZY lady. I think it was quite therapeutic though. I am not a huge crier and don’t remember the last time I had a really good cry. Afterwards I was completely exhausted and in pieces, but I felt this wonderful calm and I slept like a baby.

It has made me realise I need to slow the hell down. Infertility is bullshit and as much as we march on with the grit and determination of an Amazon really a piece of us dies inside with every negative pregnancy test, every purchase of tampons and every pregnancy announcement from others who have seemingly blessed lives.

We are not stopping trying this month, but we are not doing a transfer. A month of no sex was torture and I am not going into another month of that straight up. No sex plus a tonne of crazy lady hormones made for a very challenging month and we just want to get back to chilling and being with each other. I have organised for two weeks off in June and Hubby is taking the whole month off. We have to/want to get our landscaping done. That will be a fantastic achievement!

There is a lot going on in my head at the moment. We are just so very busy.

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About DitchTheBun

I work in a Public Library full time as the Reference & Information Services Librarian. It is a full on, busy role with much variety and many challenges and I love it! I love being able to be part of selecting books for our library service too, so amazing!!! I love the idea of thinking about our patrons and what they might enjoy reading. I have strange sometimes very outside the box ideas that I want to try at work, I just need to convince others of how awesome my ideas are. Saving the Library, one awesome plan at a time. Hmm... I need a cape - all the awesome super heroes have a cape! View all posts by DitchTheBun

20 responses to “What now?

  • EmilyMaine

    Oh I am so sorry to hear this news. Infertility is so rotten and failed cycles on top of it all is nothing short of trauma. I am glad you let yourself grieve the loss. It is important. Take care of you xxx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you. So true about the trauma and the grieving. I think I was grieving every failed cycle up until this point.
      Take care of you too. That bubs is all comfy in your tummy πŸ™‚

  • My Perfect Breakdown

    I’m so sorry to hear that this. Sending you so much live and hoping your month without any treatment is exactly what you need right now. Lots of love to you.

  • Amy M.

    I’m so sorry for the bad news. I would complain about that person who called you though, she should NEVER have said those things to you!! They are supposed to be there to help and support you, not tell you that you did something wrong and imply that you maybe shouldn’t come back!! That’s just unacceptable!! I hope that you find some healing in your break. I know it will give you a chance to get some things done at your new house too! I’d love to see some pics when you finish your yard!! Hang in there, and if you need to chat you know where to find me!

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you. It was certainly a heartbreaking experience, but each fall that doesn’t break you makes you stronger right?
      I think I may have thrown her off by my lack of reaction. I had already accepted it by this stage and so when she called I didn’t have a massive reaction which she may have been braced for. I have no idea. It wasn’t a good call though.
      The yard will be a long process. Hopefully we will get the basics done by the end of next month, but it will be far from what we actually want it to look like πŸ™‚
      Thanks so much for always being supportive.

  • mamajo23

    I know the kind of night you are talking about. It kind of rubs you raw but in a way is cleansing. I am sorry you have to go through this. Your husband sounds amazing and I hope June is healing and gets you ready to fight again. Xo

    • DitchTheBun

      Yes, that is exactly what I am talking about. πŸ™‚
      My Husband is an amazing person! Hopefully our time off together will be amazing. We have already spent some time together and done a bunch of house stuff and even had my parents over this past weekend for dinner and drinks, you know non-infertility stuff and it has been amazing. I am really glad we took a month off. xx

  • amybee1000

    I’m so sorry it didn’t work out this time, and that you were treated badly and really bizarrely. I don’t know what comes into people’s heads sometimes! I hope you can find some peace and healing in your time out. It sounds like you guys are rock solid and that is wonderful under such great stress. xx

    • DitchTheBun

      Thank you. It was very bizzare indeed. Surely they should have some difficult conversation training or something.
      That is the plan and it seems to be going well πŸ™‚
      De-stressing is something I struggle with daily. There is some stuff going on work and house and family wise and infertility stuff on top of that was just sending me round the twist πŸ™‚ x

  • libraryowl33

    I am so, so sorry to hear this 😒

  • Rosie Rockets

    Oh Cat that sucks balls!! Our bodies are just weird and as someone who has never had kids I don’t have any advice for you (maybe that’s a good thing, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing it!) I’m sorry, but I had a giggle at “No sex plus a tonne of crazy lady hormones made for a very challenging month” I BET!! I hope getting back in the saddle *ahem* is therapeutic for you xoxoxox

  • dubliner in deutschland

    oh I’m so sorry that your cycle failed, it’s incredibly disappointing. IVF is such a hard process to go through. I think taking a break and planing a holiday is a great idea!

  • Amanda

    Infertility is such total bullshit. I’m so sorry. Thinking good thoughts for you

  • mn6363

    I’m so sorry for this, love. So much hope to you.

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