I know, I know, I don’t call… I don’t write… I am a bad blogger. I am very sorry for seriously dropping the ball here. I have to say though I was so touched that some of you reached out to me to make sure I was okay, it meant so much to me.
I want to assure you all that I am here and okay. I have been somewhat busy with crazy life stuff and been going through some things. I have had lots of stress at work, pressure, heavy workload and what not. Mostly it is all very stimulating stuff, but I am sometimes stuffed by the end of the day. I have also been going to the gym a lot more and pilates once a week which often means getting home very late to start with.
I have been having some issues with anxiety. Why must infertility be such a bitch? A coping mechanism I have utlised to deal with this is that I have turned down my filter quite a bit and speak my mind so much more. Weirdly this seems to be working for me as I was asked to act in a very senior position at my library for the last 3 months. Basically I was acting coordinator of 4 branch libraries. I have also recently spoken out about a couple of little things that have bugged me at work and the response has been amazing. Then I presented an idea for bay end merchandising which is VERY different for our library service and the branch supervisor loved it and we actioned it within a few days displaying new items that had not been circulating. The change in circulation within one month was HUGE! They are really pleased which is great.
I have not been being overly good with food which means no loss and no gain which I am actually okay with. I don’t know why, but I am just kinda over the weight obsessing even though I am supposed to because of the fertility stuff, but I am just so over it. It makes me do unhealthy things and have serious stress and anxiety. Where I am now I regularly work out and I eat pretty well, isn’t that healthier?
[I started writing the above some time ago…]
I have fallen behind a bit at the gym due to busy Christmas stuff.
We used our last embryo, it was a boy, it didn’t work out. I was absolutely crushed. Every aspect of the environment, him and me was perfect. There was no reason for it not to work. We were so sure it had. I like couldn’t even believe it when she told me it hadn’t worked I wanted to know the numbers. They weren’t good.
There are so many people in my life announcing they are pregnant at the moment. It is just very hard. There are a few times where I have had to stop and take a deep breath. Sometimes I immediately shut my phone or computer off when I see an announcement. SIGH. I have to just keep believing that one day will be my turn. I can’t give up.
Ditch the Bun 
December 21st, 2016 at 1:15 am
I’m glad your work is going so well! And in completely disappointed that your transfer didn’t work, I am so increadibly sorry. Sending my love.
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:07 am
Thank you. I was so disappointed too. We were just so convinced it had worked. AF is always on time and this time she was quite late so we were pretty sure it had worked. Was hoping for my first set of stripes. Maybe next year.
December 21st, 2016 at 2:12 am
Nice to hear from you. Glad work is going so well, good for you for speaking your mind! I’m really sorry about the failed transfer. My second IVF I was convinced it had worked too and couldn’t believe when it was a negative. Infertility sucks for sure. Wishing you lots of strength and hoping that 2017 will bring you lots of happiness!
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:09 am
Thank you. I couldn’t believe it either. I think at first I was just shocked. I was strong and didn’t POAS either so I had no warning to that phone call. I don’t think it was better or worse than knowing, but it kept the hope alive for longer which was nice.
Definitely sucks! Thank you, I hope 2017 is a great year for you too.
December 21st, 2016 at 4:19 am
yea getting pregnant is difficult. I recently had a spontaneous miscarriage at 10 weeks. I feel so sad that other women can get pregnant and keep their pregnancies well while i can’t.
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:10 am
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It’s just really not fair. Such a hard journey to have a family. Each time I fail I feel a little stronger for getting through it, but I can’t wait for the first time I see 2 stripes on a pee stick.
December 21st, 2016 at 9:35 am
Noooo, don’t give up! You sound like you have had a great time professionally lately so that’s super awesome. I am sorry the last transfer didn’t work for you. It is not fair 😦 Wishing you and yours a nice Christmas in that new house of yours. Happy to hear you are mostly looking after yourself. That’s wonderful x
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:12 am
Not giving up yet, just hard is all.
Yes I am having a great time, there are great challenges, learning new things, sometimes quite stressful though so I will be glad to go back to my normal role in the New Year.
I hope you have an amazing Christmas! Our house is looking good, we finally have blinds and curtains after 8 months hahaha. Just in time for summer though so I am very happy.
December 21st, 2016 at 10:00 am
It’s always great to read an update from you. I’m just sad for you that you don’t have happier news to share this time around. Here’s to 2017 being a better year for you, for all of us. Peace.
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:14 am
I can feel myself wanting to shift gears a bit after this year and I don’t know what that will mean for 2017, but I am excited to find out. Hopefully whatever I do will end up with us having a child 🙂
Work wise this year was great though.
I hope you have an amazing holiday season and 2017 🙂
December 21st, 2016 at 8:19 pm
Sorry to hear about your continuous struggle with fertility. Hope you have a good Christmas break ❤
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:14 am
Thanks so much. I hope you have a fantastic Christmas! xx
December 22nd, 2016 at 12:46 am
I am so very sorry that this happened to you. Lots of love and hugs to you!
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:15 am
Thank you so much. I hope you have a great Christmas.
December 22nd, 2016 at 1:48 am
First off, congratulations on your new (temporary) position. I’m so glad that your work is so supportive and that good things are happening for you in that area of your life. Also, good for you about the gym! The holidays make it so difficult to go. I’ve been working out and loving it, and keep promising myself that I will go back after the craziness of December dies down. We both can do this! As far as your failed transfer… there are no words. I am so sorry you had to face that crushing disappointment. My wish for you is that 2017 is better and brings you peace. *hugs*
December 22nd, 2016 at 11:41 am
Thank you!!
Yes the gym has taken a back seat in December hahaha. I was pretty good for a few months there though 🙂 I will definitely go back in the new year though because I do enjoy it.
I am thinking of learning to run. I find the rhythmic thumping of my feet quite therapeutic and I can’t think about other things because I might fall over hahaha.
Thank you it was a hard thing to go through. I feel stronger and almost like a different person having gone through it. I have less tolerance for pettiness and rudeness and people that are cruel or bullying because I just feel like it is such a waste of time and energy. I’m not as afraid to let people know that I am not comfortable with their behaviour (which is probably useful as I am acting in a coordinator role). Having fertility issues has definitely changed me in ways I didn’t expect.
December 22nd, 2016 at 10:34 pm
Gah. I’m very sorry the transfers have not worked. Life can be so cruel.
The success at work is awesome – way to rock it!
Here’s to a much better year to come. Warm hugs in the meantime.
January 2nd, 2017 at 12:53 am
Congratulations on the professional success and ((HUGS)) for the personal setbacks.