Well the new year is here. I had high hopes for 2016. In truth many wonderful things happened and were achieved in 2016.I feel that the good things are often overshadowed by the fact that I failed to get the thing I wanted the most, a baby. 2 failed transfers, much heartache and being filled with hormones which rival a sorority house whose cycles have synced on the day before AF hits left me a little jaded. I have decided to remind myself of some of the good things that happened in 2016 to get some perspective.
- Hubby and I finally achieved our goal of our own home, whilst getting there was a long road (3 years since purchasing the land long and 9 years of saving long) it is totally worth it because we are both totally in LOVE with our home (I’ll post more on the house another day with pics).
- My youngest nephew Coda was born.
- Hubby and I have gotten even better with our communication. It’s the kind of open and honest relationship I have always dreamed of having. Whilst he is generally the suffer in silence type, he is opening up a lot more now which I love.
- I celebrated 1 year in my role as Reference & Information Services Librarian in January (it will be 2 years tomorrow). Honestly I can’t believe I have only been here that long. It feels like forever and I have done so much in this role.
- I was asked to act up in the Branch & Customer Services Coordinator role for the last quarter of the year. It was so challenging and I loved it. I really enjoyed all the work with the programming and promotions. If they ever develop a role for that here I will totally apply 🙂
- I have developed a close group of friends at work. I am not someone who makes close friends easily and I decided last year to put myself out there more and got great results. The result is a group of friends I can count on, sound off ideas on, have lunch and sometimes dinner with, go for walks after work and to the gym with, go to the movies with, we even went bowling. This awesome group of people has made a huge difference to my work and home life and I have such a great time with them!
I feel very fortunate to have met people like this in my workplace.
- Hubby and I have learned a lot about DIY (seriously LOVE YouTube!!!). We have done basically all of our landscaping ourselves (Hubby much more than me), we have installed our own washing line and even learned how to lay bricks and built our own brick mailbox. The mailbox isn’t the most professional job, but it is the mailbox that love built and was a great bonding experience and we did much better than Homer did with that BBQ.
- I quit smoking! Something I have been wanting to do for the longest time. February 15, 2017 will mark one year since I have quit. Sometimes (rarely now) in times of stress or emotional upset (like 2 failed IVF transfers) I kind of want to reach for a smoke, but I have been so good. VERY proud of this accomplishment. I did put on weight after quitting because instead of smoking I would eat. To be honest I let myself do this because I truly feel that was the right choice for me. Now that I have been successful in quitting smoking I have turned my attention back to my food. I have yet to conquer emotional eating, I am SO bad for this!
So there is a lot of really good things that happened this year. Often it is hard to think about them when something that is so all consuming is constantly at the forefront of your mind. I could choose to give in to it, or I could combat it another way. Yes IVF transfers failed for us twice one of which was a PGS tested perfect lil man embryo, Yes I REALLY got my hopes up on the lil man transfer, Yes my FS doesn’t seem to be the most open and communicative. So Hubby and I have done a tonne of research over the past couple of months and put some things into action which I will talk about in another post coming soon 🙂
NOTE: Will do my best to avoid any spoilers 🙂
So I saw the new Ghostbusters film. Actually I asked my Dad if he wanted to go see it on my birthday as I had taken the day off (Dad and I often go on movie dates), Mum decided to come along too which was great.
I had heard a lot of hate about the movie and therefore was not going in with really high hopes. And well… wow you guys.
I totally loved it. I laughed so much.
They basically completely ignored the existence of the other films, but still paid homage to them which I thought was great and there were all these little references to look out for.
I adored the female characters. They were so vibrant and funny and intelligent and awkward and I loved it. I have spent time thinking about why I enjoyed them so much since and I feel like this movie could be quite ground breaking.
The thing is that this movie does not walk around boasting about girl power or anything of the sort. What it does do is present 4 complex female characters who are intelligent in different ways, incredibly unique and I must say incredibly geeky. Not once do any of these characters waste time thinking they are losers or not good enough. They are completely unapologetic about who they are and they kick ass and invent incredible things and hire a dumb male secretary because they feel bad for him and he looks good. There is also ZERO relationship drama and not one of them is wearing skin tight body suits or short skirts or plunging tops.
Some seriously kick ass women in this film.
I NEEDED this movie as a teenager. Hell I NEEDED this movie now. If I ever have a daughter this will be mandatory viewing.
Each one of the actresses was amazing in their roles. They work so well together and obviously feed off of each other. I would love to know how much of this was off script 🙂 Chris Hemsworth was so good in this role. I think working with these ladies brought the best out of him as far as comedic timing goes. He was just so good in this role!
Can’t wait to purchase this when it comes out on DVD so I can watch it again. Mum and I have already declared a movie night for when it does 🙂
Well I was right. This cycle didn’t work. It was a heartbreaking realisation. By the time we did our blood test on Saturday I was so positive that it didn’t work that I convinced Hubby to go to coffee after they had taken blood.
Meanwhile the woman who called me back to confirm the bad news probably shouldn’t be making bad news calls. It was completely awkward and if I had have been in a different place, i.e. no bad symptoms and still full of hope I don’t know how the phone call would have gone. I told them I wanted a month off for my body to recover. She even said weird things like ‘generally we find that younger women like yourself find more success with frozen cycles’ umm then why did we ever try a fresh transfer? Don’t say stupid crap like that to women hyped up on hormones who you have just told that a $10k IVF cycle resulted in nothing. Then she said some other stuff and ended with, ‘okay well we will hear from you when you want to proceed with treatment again, if you do want to contact us ever again’ err… what? What a weird ass thing to say. Sweetie, you people have my frosty babe… I am coming back for them.
If the FET transfer doesn’t work, or they come back and say that the testing showed it wasn’t a good quality embryo I think we will look at going somewhere else. I have done some research and it looks as though Primary IVF might be pretty decent, it is practically next to Genea and they bulk bill so the pricing is ridiculously cheaper. We could do more than 10 full IVF cycles on what it costs us to do one at Genea. I have talked to a few women who have gone there (IVF support group via Facebook) and they all love the place. If anyone reading this has been I would love to hear your feedback. Unfortunately they are apparently really strict on BMI so we might not be accepted by them.
The grieving process for this was really bad. It happened the first night I started bleeding. My husband had never seen me like that and had no idea what to do. I blame those freaking hormones. I literally had no control over my emotions and I completely lost the ability to rationalise anything. I was a CRAZY lady. I think it was quite therapeutic though. I am not a huge crier and don’t remember the last time I had a really good cry. Afterwards I was completely exhausted and in pieces, but I felt this wonderful calm and I slept like a baby.
It has made me realise I need to slow the hell down. Infertility is bullshit and as much as we march on with the grit and determination of an Amazon really a piece of us dies inside with every negative pregnancy test, every purchase of tampons and every pregnancy announcement from others who have seemingly blessed lives.
We are not stopping trying this month, but we are not doing a transfer. A month of no sex was torture and I am not going into another month of that straight up. No sex plus a tonne of crazy lady hormones made for a very challenging month and we just want to get back to chilling and being with each other. I have organised for two weeks off in June and Hubby is taking the whole month off. We have to/want to get our landscaping done. That will be a fantastic achievement!
There is a lot going on in my head at the moment. We are just so very busy.
Trying not to test. Hubby really wants me to. He wants to know so much. It’s been a long time since I have seen him so excited about something.
Honestly I am somewhat scared of testing. I have never had a positive result on a preg test and I desperately want to see those stripes. It’s not like I haven’t earned them right? ☺ In saying that I don’t want the results of the blood test a week from now to be a surprise because I will get them at work and either result is probably going to end in a cry fest lol.
I did have to take a tiny amount of the ovidrel last Thursday. Honestly I have no clue how long after transfer you can test without the trigger affecting it. I would hate to test and get a positive then be gutted in a weeks time.
Over share time… let’s talk symptoms. Obviously I have been symptom spotting. I had some slight cramping Thursday and Friday, Saturday I had very weird nausea, all of a sudden I felt ill and quite sure I was going to be sick, but I didn’t have the whole saliva filling the mouth part. Then after some breathing of fresh air it passed. Saturday night I got incredibly sensitive nipples, this has gone over into today (Sunday), they almost feel bruised, very odd. I have also had some lower back pain today. I have no idea if any of this means anything. I’d love to hope it does, but who knows.
How long after transfer did you guys wait to test?
So it seems we are traveling well with our little embies. We got a call from the scientist yesterday, sorry for the late report, yesterday was madness all round.
Anyways, let’s get on to what you really want to hear about. We had 6 fertilise and on day 3 none of them had ceased development.
At 8:20am on day 3 we had 1 which has 8 cells, 3 which have 6 cells, 1 with 5 cells and 1 with 4 cells.
So there are 4 at the stage they would want on day three which is 6+ cells. In saying that I am not giving up on the others either because not all of the eggs would have fertilised at the same point in time over the 24 hours they were exposed.
So it looks like we are all set for a 5 day transfer tomorrow.
I am feeling very excited and grateful at this point.
Egg collection went well. I was hella nervous, but managed to keep myself together for half of the procedure. I felt like he could have been a bit more gentle, but then obviously I was a lot more tender than I would normally be so maybe he was.
The first half was okay. The general anesthetic hurt, but a needle inside your lady parts is always going to smart a little. That was all pretty text book and my meditation breathing was calming me down. Then he put the anesthetic in the left side and it hurt like hell. I managed to keep my pelvis still, but my back arched off the bed. The doc said ‘oops, sorry, I’m sorry’ so I think something happened there.
That pain broke the emotional barrier though and I was suddenly overwhelmed by what we were doing and the silent tears just started falling. Next thing I know the lovely English nurse is by my side chatting to me and rubbing my arm and giving me tissues. Totally love her!
Onto the good news… numbers. We got 9 eggs. I was personally hoping for 11 because I was going by the 50% drop off rate for each stage and had thought that would be a great starting number. 9 is great though… plus in the end it only takes 1 right? ! ☺
Further to this news is the call I got not long ago to say that they put the eggs and sperm in together and overnight 6 eggs fertilised. Got of the phone and burst into tears. I was so happy. The last time I was this elated we were getting married.
For the first time in my life I have embryos. Not one… six!!! That’s such a good number and way more than I was hoping for.
I do understand that not all of then will make it to day 5, I am being realistic with this, but after 4.5 years of trying for a child the knowledge that we are on day 1 with 6 embryos is amazing!
Originally we were going to test all embryos and do a frozen cycle transfer next month. However, the specialist and the scientist convinced us that because we are healthy and young and there is absolutely no history of any abnormalities in our families if we get a 5 day embryo of good quality we will do a transfer this cycle. That decision is exciting and surprising. Now I just have to keep sending my embies strong growth vibes. Come on kids! ☺
I have some amazing news. We got our house keys last Thursday morning. I know, I know, I should have probably posted before now to tell you, but honestly we have been so, so busy.
It was very early and we were very tired when we took this photo, but I swear we are ecstatic 🙂
We have done a lot of work there over the weekend already and our tiles were starting to be laid today which is hella exciting 🙂
I also had to share with you my new little friend and first Pop! Vinyl 🙂 Dancing Groot 🙂