Category Archives: Family

Egg collection & fertilisation

Egg collection went well. I was hella nervous, but managed to keep myself together for half of the procedure. I felt like he could have been a bit more gentle, but then obviously I was a lot more tender than I would normally be so maybe he was.

The first half was okay. The general anesthetic hurt, but a needle inside your lady parts is always going to smart a little. That was all pretty text book and my meditation breathing was calming me down. Then he put the anesthetic in the left side and it hurt like hell. I managed to keep my pelvis still, but my back arched off the bed. The doc said ‘oops, sorry, I’m sorry’ so I think something happened there.

That pain broke the emotional barrier though and I was suddenly overwhelmed by what we were doing and the silent tears just started falling. Next thing I know the lovely English nurse is by my side chatting to me and rubbing my arm and giving me tissues. Totally love her!

Onto the good news… numbers. We got 9 eggs. I was personally hoping for 11 because I was going by the 50% drop off rate for each stage and had thought that would be a great starting number. 9 is great though… plus in the end it only takes 1 right? ! ☺

Further to this news is the call I got not long ago to say that they put the eggs and sperm in together and overnight 6 eggs fertilised. Got of the phone and burst into tears. I was so happy. The last time I was this elated we were getting married.

For the first time in my life I have embryos. Not one… six!!! That’s such a good number and way more than I was hoping for.

I do understand that not all of then will make it to day 5, I am being realistic with this, but after 4.5 years of trying for a child the knowledge that we are on day 1 with 6 embryos is amazing!

Originally we were going to test all embryos and do a frozen cycle transfer next month. However, the specialist and the scientist convinced us that because we are healthy and young and there is absolutely no history of any abnormalities in our families if we get a 5 day embryo of good quality we will do a transfer this cycle. That decision is exciting and surprising. Now I just have to keep sending my embies strong growth vibes. Come on kids! ☺

Advertisements

We got our house keys!!!

I have some amazing news. We got our house keys last Thursday morning. I know, I know, I should have probably posted before now to tell you, but honestly we have been so, so busy.

It was very early and we were very tired when we took this photo, but I swear we are ecstatic 🙂

we got our house keys

We have done a lot of work there over the weekend already and our tiles were starting to be laid today which is hella exciting 🙂

I also had to share with you my new little friend and first Pop! Vinyl 🙂 Dancing Groot 🙂

dancing groot


The saga of A & E

I am posting from a place of serious tiredness today. I am not entirely sure my brain is functioning in any sort of what you would call ‘normal’ capacity lol.

Last night my brother took ill and had to go to hospital and his 3 and 4 year old daughters came to stay with us. I didn’t know this had happened until I checked my phone when I finished work at 5pm. Then I raced to get the shopping for dinner done and got home to enjoy the onslaught! Honestly I don’t know how my brother and his girlfriend do it. Major props to them. I adore these girls I truly do, but seriously they are cheeky, devious little ninjas who will always find the most inappropriate thing to play with and make the biggest mess possible.

I arrived home and immediately asked what was in E’s (3 year old’s) hair. Apparently she had decided her hair needed to be shampooed so got into the shower, pumped the heck out of the shampoo bottle and smeared it all through her hair.

FFN_IMAGE_9103013|FFN_SET_9101072

It was like this! She went full Shia LaBeouf on me!

The she decided she wanted to play a game that was housed in a ziplock bag so instead of asking for help like a normal person she chewed the bag until she could get to the parts inside it! Seriously you can’t make this stuff up. Her sister A (4 years old) was actually pretty well behaved this visit, I didn’t have to talk to her too much for misbehaving except when she started acting out because E was getting attention for being naughty. A has been pretty well behaved at our place since she found out that if we threaten the time out corner we mean it lol. But she was still trying it on a little bit and not doing what she was told and whining a lot and interrupting and ignoring/pretending not to hear you if you were asking her to do stuff she didn’t want to – you know, normal kid stuff.

Back to E for while… apparently E has spontaneously developed a fear of the toilet. Before I came home she had already weed somewhere and after I got home I was desperately attempting to wrangle them both and throw together homemade pizza, E was playing with the doll house then climbed up on the kitchen bench. I told her to get down, there was some back and forth, but in the end she did it, then I see watery stuff everywhere. It took me a bit to figure it out (I actually figured I must have spilled something whilst cooking because why would I think the kid peed on the kitchen counter?), I realised there was more watery stuff on the floor and I could literally trace it to her. I talked to her about it (she is advanced for a 3 year old and truly knows she should be using the toilet) and asked why she didn’t go to the toilet to be told she “didn’t want to” and that she liked to wee in her pants. So we clean up her and everywhere she has been since she peed and I go back to making pizza. In the end something that usually takes me 10-15 mins to throw together took an hour by which time they were taking turns attempting to steal things from the pantry and fighting with each other and whinging about being hungry. Again normal kid stuff haha. Then there was the whole A standing on the table throwing a basketful of toys around the place whilst screaming with joy. That was so entertaining!

Pizza is cooked and even though they both adore pizza there is all this kerfuffle and a bunch of cajoling to get them to sit down to eat it. E is actually placed in her seat whilst claiming she doesn’t like pizza because it is too spicy. I go to the kitchen and debate with myself whether to try and make my mini pizza or just eat their scraps. Mum convinces me we should do the former, so we embark on that mission. Minutes later E comes running through the house with a piece of pizza flying about in her hand, I catch her and lead her back to the table whilst wondering if it is legal to restrain a child until they finish dinner. I finish making my pizza in record time and bung it in the oven. The girls are behaving because you know… food. My pizza is done and Mum and I ask Dad to keep an eye on them so we can eat.

Haven’t even gotten one bite out of my pizza before hearing Dad yelling. Apparently his view of ‘watching’ the girls is somewhat literal and he is barking orders from his chair whilst E merrily dances on the kitchen bench. I get her down and rowse on her, turns out they have finished their pizza. I give them a second slice. I decide to gobble down my pizza whilst watching a bit of netflix or something and go hide in Hubby’s office. Only to find that his recent rebuilding of the computer has meant everything works weird. So I sit alone quietly in the office eating my pizza and ignoring the thunder of little feet for awhile until I feel sane enough to emerge and help Mum and Hubby (who is now home and has fixed said computer issues).

The girls are bathed. E’s shampoo is properly removed from her hair. A decided to get her hair all wet in the bath so her hair is all messed up too. Both girls have very long hair, A’s is waist length and E’s isn’t far behind. When you have two little girls with very long blonde hair and a serious tanty throwing hate of the hairbrush you wish long and hard that they were yours and you could just shave it all off hahaha. After many months of work with them I am now the only person in the family (including their parents) that they will reasonably behave with whilst getting their hair done. I put in the ‘magic spray’ (AKA detangle spray) which ‘magics away all the knots’ and then when we are all done I do their hair very nicely (usually plaits because that is the best hair style to avoid knots for many hours hahaha) and we all look at their hair and ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’. I still get some tantys during the process and so it can be a very long process. E wasn’t too bad because she was really tired by this point. She was complaining about it and I said she could go to bed as soon as I got her plaits in which she apparently took literally because about 10 minutes after I was done we found her in bed fast asleep.

A took longer. She is not into bed time and fights it like a pro! Her hair took a while because it was seriously bad guys. There were parts in there I thought I might have to cut out because they were matted with whatever she had managed to get stuck in it, but with a mixture of part conditioner part water I managed to work it all out. I plaited her up and then the had multiple stories and was put to bed, then put to bed again, and again. This happened a few times before I stood outside the door and sent her back to bed the second I heard her get up. Then she took to yelling out, she got in trouble for this and I told her if she woke her sister she would be in the corner for a long time. Eventually she drifted off at some ungodly hour at which point the clean up commenced and I poured myself into bed sometime around midnight.

enhanced-32167-1415746042-12

In the morning I wake up to a massive crashing sound and E screaming blue murder. I come out to find Mum cleaning up her cup of tea after E apparently climbed up onto the kitchen bench (seriously she is obsessed) and when told to get down she somehow Chuck Norris’d Mum’s tea all over the kitchen.

zoom-stars-sportifs

This was after she peed in Mum’s wardrobe, I’ve heard of people peeing in wardrobes when drunk, but this was the first time I have heard of it happening because someone was looking at pretty jewelry.

E and A then proceeded to argue much of the morning over normal kid things like stealing each others chocolate milk and whatnot.

Then they were playing nicely on Mum’s piano until E wet herself and the antique stool *facepalm* at which point I put her in the corner. She screamed and cried and I got her calmed down and asked her if she understood why I was going to put her in the corner. She said because she didn’t go to the toilet, I agreed and reminded her that I had said if she did it again that she would go into the time out corner. She went quietly, but tried to make a game of it and got pretty sullen when she realised I wasn’t having any of that. After her 3 minutes in the corner I told her she could come out and speak to Nan and she apologised for weeing on her chair.

Within 10 minutes we found her just as she was hopping off the kitchen bench again with a little bottle. Turns out it was nail polish remover and she wanted to ‘play’ with it. SIGH.

By this time it was 12pm and I had to go to work so I wished my Mum well, kissed and hugged the girls and came to work. I truly do adore my nieces through all of this, yes they can be naughty and cheeky and cause great messes and damage, but I love them so much and often get a lot of giggles out of their antics 🙂

I have no clue what transpired after I left or what condition I will find my parents and the house in when I return hahaha. GULP!

sleeping woman cartoon 600 x 400-thumb-600x400-18738

 


Hycosy

Well that was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.

Yesterday I went for my Hycosy procedure. I’m not going to lie, I was scared. I had been told it would hurt and I knew they were not administering a local so no part of me was looking forward to this. In saying that I knew it had to be done so that we could find out about the hydrosalpingx and then next week go and see the specialist and see what to do about it. I had basically already surrendered myself to waiting quite a few more months to start IVF and honestly I was not in a great place mentally.

Over the past 6 months or so there has been much in my life that has felt like an uphill battle. Stuff with the house, with my fertility, with my weight issues and the eating issues that surround that, family stuff, my uncle passing away,  stuff with Hubby’s work and whilst I love my job I have been starting to experience a little burnout. I am just really tired guys and this hydrosalpingx felt like another kick in the face. My positive Polly attitude was struggling big time.

I took Hubby along because a) I was scared and b) I wasn’t allowed to drive afterwards.

So I get on the bed, they levitate me so high I feel like this

maxresdefault

She tells me I may get some slight discomfit, but to remember it will soon pass. Turns out “discomfort” translates to severe abdominal stabby, crampy pain, but you have to hold still. It does pass after a minute or so and I think Okay, cool, I did it. Nice job.

Then she started sending in the water and I just got wave after wave of this ongoing pain.

DeanScreams

It was awful. Did. Not. Like! I managed to not make a sound, but I had a couple of tears going and man did I feel nauseous too. Apparently the pain was being caused because the amount of water they had to put in expanded my uterus to the size it would be if I were 8 weeks pregnant. Awesome.

After awhile the pain calmed down a little and they started looking at all my stuff. The tech said that everything looked nice and clear and the doctor said, “what about the hydrosalpingx?” The tech replied that she couldn’t find one. The doc took over and found it, but it turns out that it is not a hydrosalpingx, but rather a small tubular cyst.

982a7aa49ccfcfa7aede8ec75700f00020055da1

Yup, no hydrosalpingx!

Happy tears and goodness and making hills alive with music and whatnot!

The sheer relief I felt at hearing this news was huge! I hadn’t realised how much dread I felt at having to “fix” something else.

de941b708ea3a68a35f52b9b151b2999

It also means that our appointment next Monday with the specialist will be for a much different (and happier) purpose 🙂

Happy trails to all.


Fertility update

I went for my internal ultrasound that you have to do before commencing IVF. It was just supposed to be for a follicle count, but the lady doing it (who it turned out was a gynecologist because they were short on techs that day) found something.

When I called to make my nurses appointment to go through the treatment plan they said I needed to go and get another ultrasound where they inject dye into my tubes and look for obstructions. I immediately called the ultrasound place and booked in (delaying my treatment for at least another cycle as the ultrasound has to take place at a particular time in my cycle) and asked them to send me the report from the one I had the week before. The results said, “Probable left hydrosalpingx”. WTF? What is that. So naturally I went to Dr. Google. Turns out it is a distally blocked fallopian tube filled with serous or clear fluid. Great. The Dr. that did the ultrasound did ask me a few times during whether I had had any abdominal surgery and I told her only the laparoscopy last September and my fallopian tubes were fine at that time. Not feeling great about this. Especially when I looked at possible treatments and apparently just clearing it out often ends up with re-occurances and a higher chance of ectopic pregnancies and that the most common treatment is removal of the affected tube because even if you do IVF if the fluid leaks into the uterus it could cause issues with the fetus. So March 7 I have the next ultrasound. Not looking forward to it, but what can you do? It has to be done.

I am kinda over the roadblocks that keep coming in the way of IVF.

On the upside of things we had our nurses appointment where we went through the treatment plan. To get started all I have to do is call them when this other mess is fixed up.

SO. MANY. NEEDLES.

I do not enjoy needles. I am a lot better than I used to be, the multitude of blood tests and the surgery helped greatly with that. Still, I got quite nervous when she was going through it all. Then we saw the costs. I had looked at the costs when we first started going to this specialist (2 years ago), but it was still a shock! We will get some back from medicare which will be a huge help, but it will still hurt for awhile. Once we do get in our house and manage to pay for our floors (that’s a story for another post) as well as our driveway, landscaping, deck (that’s probably going to have to wait a bit now) and now the IVF we are going to be having a few toasted cheese sandwich nights in our future.

We have done it hard before and know how to tighten the purse strings enough to recoup cash and still get by. I was just really hoping we wouldn’t have to. That credit card I have not used since our honeymoon 4 years ago is going to have to be thawed out too. We had been budgeting really well so have a lot in savings, but it won’t be enough.

But if we end up with a child of our very own it will be worth every single penny, every worrying thought about money and it will be worth eating toasted cheese sandwiches until the mere thought of them makes us nauseated!

520217184_o

Dreaming of our baby.

 


Long time, no blog.

There has been a LOT going on lately and my head is very full of all the ‘adulting’ I have had to be doing which hasn’t left much time for me to sort through the things that have been happening.

Most important of all is the fact that we very unexpectedly lost my uncle a couple of weeks ago. He was very fit, he did have diabetes, but it was controlled by insulin and diet. Initial results (which my cousin received the night of his funeral) indicate a heart attack. He hadn’t even retired yet. The whole thing was way too sad and I cannot write too much about it because to be honest I haven’t dealt with my feelings about it yet. Everything during that time became about supporting my cousins and their kids and supporting my Mum and Dad and just getting done what had to be done. My Uncle was not a blood relative, he married my Mum’s sister, but he was best friends with my Dad from a very young age (apparently they pretty much lived in each others pockets from the age of 12 or 13) and my Dad met my Mum because of my Uncle. I would literally not exist if it were not for this man.

He was a wonderful person, he always made time for you and even after he moved interstate (if you were to drive it would take 20 hours) he would call often. He always reminded me of Robin Williams, a soulful person who was quick to smile, always had time for others, quite compassionate, true family man, worked too hard, loved deeply and had sparkly blue eyes. I still need to make time to feel my grief for him. I have certainly had my moments, the funeral was one of the hardest moments of my adult life. Though my family are somewhat spaced around the place now (Russia, Western Australia, Far North Queensland, Sydney, etc.) so we do not see each other as often as we would like we have true love for one another. When a member of a family like ours passes away, the funeral is a truly heavy thing. It is like thick grief soup. In saying that the wake was a celebration of his life, we ate, DRANK, shed some tears, laughed, hugged, shared stories and loved.

Other things that have been keeping me busy lately include house stuff, fertility stuff, work stuff, healthy living stuff, preparing to move and some other family stuff. I shall save these for another day though because I feel like my Uncle Peter deserves his own post. Love you Petie!

In the wake of his passing I have been thinking about how friends and family are such a vital part of our life and have been making an effort to get in touch with people I haven’t seen for awhile just to say, “hey, how you doing?”. I’d like to suggest you all contact one person today that you haven’t talked to in awhile. It might be two weeks, it might be two years, it cannot hurt to just send a quick text and say, “hey, just checking in. How you doing?

 

 


The Final Truth

* Trigger Warning: I am going to talk very seriously about eating disorders. These are my experiences and some might find the descriptions of emotions hard to deal with. Oh and also I swear 🙂 *

This is a hard subject for me to write about, but I have been inspired by another blogger’s honesty and felt it was time for some of my own.

In High School (and some of Primary School) bullies had me convinced I was fat and ugly, I was very good at hiding how much that affected me mentally. No one knew exactly how much I struggled because as it turns out I am an ace at bottling my emotions. Eventually I attempted to stop eating to lose weight convinced if I just lost weight I would be beautiful and the bullying would stop and when I found that too difficult I became bulimic. No one knew I had this problem, I was scarily good at hiding it and in fact managed to hide it in a family of 5 for many months.

Sometime later my best friend who I didn’t get to see often because she moved 40 minutes away was hospitalised because her organs were shutting down due to anorexia, seeing her that ill made me do some serious thinking. I knew about bulimics and had stupidly talked myself into believing that I wasn’t one because bulimics threw up everything and I only made myself sick if I ate something naughty. Seeing my friend hospitalised and being told she might not come out scared me good and I decided to make myself stop.

And I did stop. My girlfriend got better and we have since talked about our experiences, until recently she was one of two people that knew I ever had a problem.

The thing about this kind of illness is that the mental battle doesn’t ever completely disappear. To this day I know she struggles with it sometimes. So do I.

I have been on the infertility journey for four years come this New Year’s Eve, for most of that time I have managed to keep my shit together, but every time I go and see a doctor or a specialist and get told I need to lose weight and that I am not doing enough or working hard enough it sparks a battle I have to work very hard not to succumb to.

Do I over indulge in my everyday life, hell yes, and if I am truly honest it happens too often. To be even more honest *deep breath* I have recently come to believe that I think (particularly in the past) that some of my overindulgence is to prove I am okay. I know this sounds so stupid but it is sometimes almost a test, like “I can totally eat this cheesecake without having a war in my head”. Not all of it is this way and I think it is subconscious, I am not even positive as to whether this is true (mix this with being an emotional eater and I think you really have something); it is just a thought that has been circling for a while now. It is possible it started off this way (pretty sure that part is true), but has now just become my lifestyle, habits that I now need to go back and break.

For me it was also about control. As a teenager I felt so out of control of every aspect of my life, I couldn’t even succeed in controlling my eating, but I could control whether it stayed in my body.

This brings me to why I am bringing this up now. I had not made myself sick for many, many years, over a decade in fact without a relapse. Then the constant and intense pressure from the specialist started, if I do not lose 10kgs I will not be put forward for IVF.

Just to be clear, if I cannot lose 10kgs you guys, I might never have a biological child. Which means my parents and T’s wouldn’t get grandbabies from us and T will never be a father. That is a fuck ton of pressure to carry around with you constantly, every day and with every food and activity choice you make. Slowly but surely the little wars started going on in my head again, the wars got longer and the devil on my shoulder started to gain ground. Still I thought I had everything under control. Then I started to feel as though T wasn’t as serious and dedicated to having a child as I was. I felt like I had to have surgery to get my ovaries drilled and he couldn’t even commit to the nights we were supposed to have sex because his work kept calling him up. The prospect of the needles and complete invasiveness that is IVF had me terrified and I just felt that I had absolutely no control over anything.

Then one day… the devil one a battle.

A couple of weeks later he won another one.

The worst part about it was the complete relief I felt afterwards, then I felt ashamed for feeling so relieved. I was at a crossroads, I could see the two roads in front of me and I needed to make a decision.

One night cinched the deal.

T and I were supposed to have happy time that night, but once again something kept him away so I was left waiting in bed trying to stay awake. Instead of being mad at his work or at him for not telling them to call someone else I turned on myself and after berating myself with stupid friggen stuff that in reality was for the most part untrue or greatly exaggerated I felt a very strong urge come over me. I knew this was the moment. So I made a decision.

I held my body in a tight foetal position with tears running down my face until T showed up. It took a long time for me to get out what was going on. I danced all around the subject. Started with telling him how I felt about his commitment to trying for a baby and his priorities in regards to work. Then my feelings of complete terror surrounding going through IVF (the fear is real guys, I don’t know why, perhaps it is fear of the unknown, but sometimes it is paralysing which is ridiculous. I think I feel like IVF is our Hail Mary pass and if that doesn’t work it’s all over). Then finally I took a deep breath breathe and I told him.

I told my partner of 8 years (husband for 4) that I had been bulimic on and off for a very long time as a teen and that I felt it coming back. I told him everything you guys, what brought on episodes, the fact that I had already succumbed twice in a few weeks and that I was pretty fearful of the road I was heading down.

Then I started sobbing and asked him if he thought less of me, he said of course he didn’t. Then I begged him not to tell my Mum because I was ashamed (ahh fuck it now I am crying). This is ridiculous because my parents would never judge me for this, but I didn’t want to let them down. I also didn’t want to feel like everyone was watching me looking for signs of it worsening. For anyone who has suffered with mental illness or eating disorders (and I am sure many other illnesses) you know exactly what I am talking about.

I made a deal to talk to T when I started having these feelings to try and cut them off before they become all-consuming to the point where I lose another battle.

Interestingly since I have told him the one big thing about me that I have never shared I have not had one instance of being even close to relapsing. I feel as though knowing that even in this we are facing the battle together has made me stronger.

Addition:
I actually wrote this post 2 days ago and once I finished writing it I realised I should speak to my Mum so held off posting it until I had. She was okay and we talked about strategies to help me and everything. I feel better for being able to talk to her, but I really hadn’t wanted to add to her worries.