Tag Archives: Stories

Stories from the shelves – Strange book titles

Sometimes you see a book title and you do a double take, no, you think to yourself, it couldn’t have said that. So you look again, you look at the spine, you take the book off the shelf and check the front cover and maybe even the title page to ensure that you are not hallucinating. Yup, that book exists and even better… it is available for loan at your place of work.

Yesterday I came across one of these gems. I was innocently tidying the shelves when it’s title jumped out and slapped me in the eyeballs.

Uhh... What?!

Uhh… What?!

I am not sure what disturbs me more; that my pee has a social life and apparently a lot of baggage it is bringing to our relationship or the fact that someone wrote an biography about its escapades.

What am I supposed to do when someone asks my pee for an autograph?

Umm just for the record (yes you can quote me), my pee does not get (or go) “everywhere”. Glad we cleared that up.

This discovery sent me down the rabbit hole of the web looking for the strangest and craziest book names. There are tonnes. Some are funny, some scary, some are disgusting. Here is a sample of what was found:

This was my personal favourite:

I don’t understand many things about the following book. But my question is… why is the hospital outside? And how does the dog know Jack and Jill?

I don’t understand many things about this book. But my biggest questions are… why is the hospital outside? And how does the dog know Jack and Jill?

“What shat that?: A pocketguide to Poop Identity”
“Am I ready for chest hair?” – I didn’t realise people got a choice in this
“Eating children: Population control and the food crisis”
“Eating people is wrong” – apparently Hannibal never got given this tome

I'm concerned that this book needed to be created

I’m concerned that this book needed to be created

“Everything I want to do is illegal”
“Zombie Racoons & Killer Bunnies” – They’re real ya’all… real as drop bears!
“The great Singapore penis panic: and the Future of American Mass Hysteria” – WTF? What does this title even mean? Is it about Singapore? Or America? Is this real life?
“Natural bust enlargement with total mind power: How to use the other 90% of your mind to increase the size of your breasts” – well that seems legit.

Then there is this jewel:

How and more importantly WHY is this a best selling book? I am not surprised it was recorded by the author... alone in a recording booth? Apparently he is into talking to himself so whatevs :)

How and more importantly WHY is this a best selling book? I am not surprised it was recorded by the author… alone in a recording booth? Apparently he is into talking to himself so whatevs 🙂

 

Have you got any interesting book titles? Which one of the above is your favourite?

 


What a hot mess!

You hope for many things when you go through those first stages of setting up your blog, you hope it is a spicy hot roaring success, you hope no one boos you and you desperately hope that you don’t suck at it! Let’s be honest here… you want Tucker Max level fame. You want a blook, you want your blook turned into a movie… you pretty much wish for the stars because, well… why wouldn’t you?!

I am always interested in who visits my blog and how they find me so I check out my stats page generally once a day. So today as per normal I head on over to my stats page, generally my viewings don’t go up until later in the day as most of my readers are still asleep when it is lunchtime in Australia 🙂 so I wasn’t really expecting much… I was actually going to look at yesterday’s results. But before I could click on yesterday’s stats I got a little shock that I found under the “Search engine terms” area, please see screen shot below:

Umm... sorry... WHAT?!

Umm… sorry… WHAT?!

What the… WHAT?!?!

First of all… YUCK! Why is someone looking for that? Who wants to look at anything cut open.

Second of all… Wait… how the hell did they get to my blog by Googling that?!?!

So you know what I had to do right?

Seriously, it had to be done

Seriously, it had to be done

I had to! I had to know how and more importantly WHY that search brought them to my blog as I know I have not written about “smelly cysts” in… well… EVER!

So I hit the search button because at this point I certainly was not feeling lucky and held my breath. The results came back – 669,000 okay so that is not that high for a Google search, but maybe it was a fluke and I am buried way back in the results somewhere. Skim page one… SAFE! YES! Skim page two… SAaaa…oh shit. There I am… smack in the middle of page two.

Oh my god you guys!

Oh my god you guys!

The title that comes up really does not make things any better, no silver lining to be found in that unfortunate title at all. Just so I am quite clear… I do not roll with “grungy smelly cysts”. Grungy, smelly musicians… yes, but the smell is created by a fun day at a festival – not cysts.

What a hot (apparently smelly) mess! I am pretty much freaking out and thinking

So what do I do? I mean I am not about to delete all that content (which ranges across a few different posts) because I was happy with that content, so what should I do?

Then I realised that the only reason someone would be Googling “grungy smelly cysts” is probably if you had one and if you did have one you would probably be a bit sad.

So the only appropriate thing to do would be to write a post with a bunch of references to “grungy smelly cysts” so that my blog hopefully makes it to page one of the results next time someone Googles it 🙂 Let me know if I succeed if you dare to try it haha.

 

Loosely inspired by The Daily Post’s Ring of Fire challenge. I happened to be reading it just before I found this and got inspired 🙂


Meditation – Librarian style

Greetings and a happy Friday to you all!

The weather has been a bit sad of late (yes I am talking about the weather, but I have an awesome point so read on)… the kind of weather where you want to curl up in a comfy chair with a blanky, a [insert hot beverage of choice] and a good book. These days I find myself so busy that I forget to take time for myself to reflect on what I am doing, over this summer break I had a goal… read the books I haven’t been able to read all last year because of Uni work etc. I started many books… didn’t get the opportunity to finish one of them. I started to notice that my usual laid back bubbly persona would sometimes hideaway and I would get snappy, I don’t believe it was from book withdrawal syndrome. I think it was subconscious jealousy at the people I saw that seemed to have time for things where as I always felt so rushed. Last year flew by like a whirlwind and it wasn’t until our trip to Vanuatu where we had banned any and all technology that I felt like I could just breathe and do whatever I wanted and take time to enjoy the moment… I never took my watch anywhere and no phones – we had no idea what the time was at any point and it was fabulous.

But we can’t have holidays all the time (unfortunately) so how do we capture a little bit of paradise in our everyday lives to reduce stress levels, stop our eyes going square and just to stop and reflect and be ourselves? Some don’t feel the need for this, for instance after 2 weeks of no technology my hubby was begging for internet connectivity. Younger generations would probably feel immediate stress at having to leave their mobile at home, where as I now find joy and feel a little naughty when I turn mine off for at least half a day every weekend.

When I used to work in Sydney city there was this little bookstore I used to go to, ‘Maddagen’, it was in the basement of a building and very raw and industrial looking. I used to get a hot chocolate and sit in this GORGEOUS old, kinda worn red leather armchair that would not have looked out of place beside a fire with a gentleman smoking a pipe in it pondering philosophical things. I would sit there and read a book and drink my hot chocolate and sometimes look out the window a bit above me, as we were in the basement you could pretty much just see shoes and ankles (you’d be surprised how many people don’t take the price stickers off the bottom of their shoes). I would go there at least once a week and it was blissful, in all that hustle and bustle of a crazy city I had this perfect little haven hidden away. Unfortunately it was a little too hidden and disappeared one day; I wish I had known because I would have made them an offer on that chair.

Mmmm the ponderings...

I never found a book store/cafe quite the same and even if one came close it seemed to not last long. With the expansion of places like Amazon and the popularity of new technologies such as; ebooks, ereaders, ipads, smartphones and ereader apps Ye Olde Book Shoppe just can’t keep up. Even the Woolworths of book shop chains Borders has gone under. So in the spirit of old book smell and tattered covers I thought I would share this awesome very short article (with lots of beautiful pictures) depicting the 20 most beautiful bookstores in the world (according to the author). My favourite comment on the article is, “20 reasons not to buy a kindle”.

http://flavorwire.com/254434/the-20-most-beautiful-bookstores-in-the-world?all=1


Christmas

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over…

I think it is important to review your successes at the end of the year. Whether they be big or small, reminding yourself of what you achieved during that year (even if you thought it was a bad one and are happy to see the backside of it), for me at least, makes the fact that it is the years end more meaningful.

So my year in review…

This year I managed to:

  •  work full time,
  • continue earning my Uni degree at night (with really good marks),
  • arrange a wedding to my best friend in the world – light of my life – my Nubby (AKA New Hubby – yes he hates it hahaha),
  • be blessed with my first nephew (and now godson) – beautiful Hendrix,
  • had a beyond fabulous escape to Vanuatu,
  • climbed and stood on the rim of an active Volcano,
  • clambered up and all around the most breathtaking waterfall I could ever imagine,
  • fed an 80 year old sea turtle,
  • held baby turtles,
  • paid off all the credit cards (much to the banks dismay – they keep contacting me offering me a larger limit – NO!!),
  • went tandem aqua zorb balling,
  • got a tan! (I have 2 colours, cracker-white & cherry-red, I have never ever gone brown, thank you Vanuatu!),
  • lose 20 kilos,
  • found out I will be blessed with a niece in early Feb courtesy of my younger brother & his partner and plus, also, my godson Hendrix will score a brother or sister in late June 2012,
  • I continued to have an amazing best-friend-like relationship with my Mum,
  • despite my new hubby’s younger brother’s best efforts to do anything and everything rudely, wrongly and disrespectfully while he invaded us for the majority of the year I did not commit any felonies!,
  • I didn’t lose any friends and as far as I know I didn’t gain any enemies 😀

    Me & Mum

Obviously there is more to my annual report, however the highlights are looking promising and I would have to say that what I have accomplished over the past year really does outweigh the stresses and craziness I sometimes felt! All in all I would have to declare 2011 a success and I believe I am ending the year with my stock up rather high and am therefore entering the New Year with renewed vigour and awesomeness 😀


A Very Bridal Christmas

So we did it, I am a married woman… was it everything I expected… kinda more actually.

7am – I wake up to torrential rain… in fact it was the crescendo of the rain against the roof that woke me at such an ungodly hour on the day of my wedding when I should have been attempting a last minute “ditch the bags underneath the eyes” beauty sleep. In my sleep brain stupor I thought, oh god that can’t be rain, so I half-hopped – half-rolled, but mostly dragged myself out of the single bed in the guest bedroom of my parents house, opened the bedroom door and peeked out into the hallway to the front door the entire wall of which is mostly glass. A moment later the constant drum of rain on the roof was interrupted as I cursed like a truckie when I saw the crazed downpour that was occurring outside! The PG version ranted similar to the following, lousy no good lying weatherman… what does he know?! Should be clearing pfft! It’s heavier than it has been for the last week! It’s a freaking hurricane out there!!!

I then realised that I was not the first to rise and my father was already awake watching the the floodwaters rise (okay so I am being a little dramatic, but there are only so many ways to say it was pissing down before you actually say that!). Decided to forget about it and deal with it as it comes, it would all be okay as long as my Maid of Honour brought me the cappuccino she had promised and the other bridesmaid who was flying in from Cairns actually arrives here – Seriously there is too much abuse aimed at QANTAS to explain that story… long story short… she should have arrived at 10am on Friday, but QANTAS overbooked her flight by 30 people and then was extremely rude to her when she explained her urgent need to get to Sydney on the next flight, the staff member was stupid enough to admit that they had overbooked every flight out of Cairns by at least 20 people for the whole weekend and she probably wouldn’t get to Sydney until Monday. Ohhh Fuuuuu….. so I told her to go back and demand a manager and threaten to call every news crew in Cairns to get them there to see all the teary people that don’t make it on flights this weekend… She got a full refund of her tickets and free flights to and from Sydney! TA-DA that’s how you deal with QANTAS it turns out.

So Maid of Honour comes through with the coffee… Bridesmaid calls from the airport at 10am to ask where I am… ahhh I’m at home I told you we couldn’t pick you up today. Jump on the train it comes pretty much to the door, my Dad will come pick you up. Ok… 10 minutes later… the rain has flooded the train tunnels and the trains aren’t running… OH FUUUUUUUUU……. this is the address get in a cab!

So eventually I get all my bridesmaids in a row… yes believe it, but then one of them couldn’t get her dress done up all the way… hysterical laughter outside, kinda over the drama as none of it was created by me, but everyone expects me to fix it so get a drink and go for a walk outside… she got into it in the end… she has a 3 month old bub and she hadn’t fed her yet so she expressed milk and then magically fit into her dress. I don’t know why she then took the milk with her into the wedding car… because then we had to find somewhere to leave it before she could get out of the car. People seriously… common sense!!!!!

Meanwhile everyone is running around like chooks with their heads cut off trying to figure out why I am not stressed… they almost lost their minds when no one could get my 6month old nephew to sleep – he had been crying for almost an hour when I demanded my Dad hand him over (my bro and his partner had gone down the street to get her hair done) 10mins later he was out to it and I put him in his cot – stressed people does not a sleeping baby make!

My friend who did my hair and makeup turned up on time because she is amazing and did my hair and makeup beautifully! So well that my Mum then asked if she had time to do hers. Seriously she is so amazing – she has even done hair and makeup for music videos! I had organised for everyone to have lunch because I have been bridesmaid many times where there was plenty of alcohol and no food and therefore bridesmaids staggering down the aisle. Unfortunately, by the time my hair and makeup was done everyone had eaten everything and not thought to put food aside for me hahaha, so Dani (hair and makeup genius) and I gorged on Tim Tams and had a Tia Maria and Lemonade each instead… totally a decent pre-wedding feast 😀

So we get there 10mins early to be told we might have to start late because 2 of the groomsmen stayed in the hotel room to help their wives get their babies ready – seriously?! The wives are incapable of handling a 6 month old?… okay then… – so I let them know if the boys are not here by 4pm I am walking down the aisle and they can feel bad about it because they were told to be there by 3.30pm! Cue one of the flower girls having a fit – and cue me not being surprised because I had predicted this… hence 2 flower girls. So only one flower girl walked down the aisle.

Meanwhile for an hour that morning the girls had practised walking to the music… slowly… steadily… I made them walk extra slow because I figured they would quicken up due to nerves. Not only did they quicken up they pretty much cantered down the aisle and didn’t wait for me to cue them to walk… ahh where did the girls go? Oh crap they are all down there already… oh well guess Dad and I will still chill out here and wait for the next chorus to come around… waiting… waiting… oh there it is okay Dad let’s go!

So out we walk… the sun is shining, the flower girl who has only just learnt my name (she’s 2.5yrs old give her a break) is screaming out, “Mummy look! Cat! Cat! Mummy pretty Cat!” and trying to run back down the aisle to me, my Mum is crying, other people are crying and trying to get my attention, the hella late groomsmen both showed, the groomsmen left on their sunnies… but I didn’t notice. Didn’t see any of it! All I saw was Trent waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Hard, practical, logical, organised Trent… grinning and brimming with tears at the sight of me… and all of a sudden I felt like a beautiful goddess.

I remember every part of the ceremony because we never took our eyes off each other, someone apologised to me later for arriving halfway through the ceremony… I couldn’t have told you they weren’t there… for that 30mins in time there were no other people, there was only me and him… and it was PERFECT!

 


My pet peeves… there are a lot – consider yourself warned

SO… today is one of those days where things that usually only peeve you a little all happen at once and all of a sudden you can’t stand them and you can literally feel yourself filling with rage – seriously! I could actually feel it creeping up my neck! Panic set in because once it reaches your head you are full up and the excess has to go somewhere and you just know that one of two things are going to happen… you are going to scream bloody murder at someone or you are going to have that crazy ugly angry cry – if someone witnesses you doing the latter you have no respect points left whatsoever, you have been shamed and you need to move immediately. So I took a deep breath, thought about the fact that 2 months from today I will be flying to Vanuatu for a 2 week honeymoon (this is a HUGE deal as I am 28 and have not had a break from work for longer than 1 week since I was 18!!!), got a coffee (NO IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU MORE ON EDGE!!!!!) even hummed a couple of tunes of that hula song, but then realised that’s for Hawaii. Eventually I started to feel normal again and then as I sipped my coffee I started to ponder my pet peeves, do I really have that many? Hmm turns out I do, is it unusual to be annoyed by these things? Here are some of the things that peeve me… feel free to comment on or share yours – mainly because it will make me feel better for my psychotic episode this morning, but also because it will be fun!

Peeve list

  • Women that wear tank tops showing off underarm hair you could braid if the need somehow possessed you.
  • People who spit on the ground – seriously?! What is the need for that, life is not a game of football – keep it on the field.
  • People who scream obscenities at their children – this is just wrong, it makes me both angry and sad. The child of someone I know started talking a couple of months back… mumma, dada, nanna, mopmop (can’t say pop pop) but she can say shit and fuck!!! What the hell! What a fabulous thing to teach your child, very colourful vocabulary there, good job at giving them the best start to life possible.
  • People who abuse animals!!!!! There is no excuse! I have had many rescue dogs, cats, birds and guinea pigs in my life and someone treated each one of them badly. These people belong in jail!
  • People who park in the middle of two car spots – I don’t get it… are you blind and can’t see the lines? Do you not know how to park? Or do you just perceive that you are so important that you deserve two spots? How does this happen?
  • People that queue jump! Everyone else standing in line had to do their time waiting, so should you. You are not better than anyone else in this line!
  • Racism! It’s just not cool! I don’t get it and I don’t want to! This seems to be another case of someone thinking they are above someone else. This is amusing to me because in fact if you are racist I perceive you as being below everyone else that isn’t as you obviously have not evolved enough as a human being to see the beauty of a multicultural world.
  • People that cut in front of you in their cars so that your only choice is to hit them or slam on your brakes and hope you don’t hit them. It is your fault you are running late to whatever you’re on your way too, please don’t cause a fatality because of your mistake!
  • People who take off their shoes in a public place and have foot odour so bad that you gag!
  • People who hit parked cars and don’t leave a note!
  • Halitosis!
  • BO!
  • Talking with your mouth full! Oh god please, please don’t!
  • People that do not wear underwear, then wear attire that show this fact off – you are not a celebrity, no one is going to take a photo of it, please put it away!!!

Oh my god! I am stopping now, writing this list is just fuelling my rant! Must stop! Quick press publish!!!