When I was in High School studying for my Higher School Certificate I was stressed and distracted because whilst I was studying my Nan was also suffering from bowel and liver cancer and we had been told she would not come through it. Suffice to say it was a horrible time in my life. I found a lot of balance and perspective through meditation, it helped centre me and make me focussed whilst allowing me to emotionally deal as well. I get that it doesn’t work for everyone, but it absolutely worked for me.
Recently with the new job, attempted house building and fertility issues I am oh so stressed, which is horrible because though I don’t mean to, I know it affects those around me. I find it easy to focus and do my job at work, but at home etc. I am kind of scattered. I also have had problems sleeping, I started listening to sleep enhancing meditation music and have found that concentrating on the music makes it much easier to shut my brain up and get to sleep.
So I started wondering whether the positive outcomes I got from meditation in my HSC and shutting up my brain at night could also help with day to day stress of my current life and maybe even help with my waning positivity in regards to fertility.
When I first started looking I was trying to combine one that I could listen to as I was sleeping that would also help me with fertility. I found one, but a lot of it was tones and a sound like leaky taps that just made me need to pee… not exactly the result I was looking for hahaha.
So I began looking around this morning and found some that sounded interesting. There was one that only went for like 5 minutes and it was a guided meditation. I was dubious, but decided I certainly could spend 5 minutes on trying to reduce my stress levels 🙂
I am writing this post just after having finished this meditation and I feel pretty damn good, kinda weird and floaty, but relaxed and not at all anxious which is great. I think part of me having such a good result was that I figured if I was going to do this I had to have a completely open mind about it and I did. I did everything the woman said. I think being able to find my centre and get in the zone was easier for me having done pilates before, but even so I think anyone could do this.
A lot of the ladies that are in our little online infertility circle here I imagine often feel as stressed out as I do so I wanted to put it on here and suggest that you guys take just 5 minutes and really give this a go. I hope it makes you feel as relaxed as I do because seriously right now I feel like I could languish in a bubble bath with a book until the water went cold… this is not something I have done in years!
Let me preface this post by saying that I absolutely love being a Librarian, I love it! It is important that you know this before reading this piece because now I am going to have a little whine about just one small aspect of my job.
This post was inspired by The Daily Posts Daily Prompt – A Tale of Two Cities – we were asked if we could split our time evenly between two places only, where would they be. For some reason what immediately jumped into my head was what if I could be two places simultaneously?! That would be quite awesome and perhaps even have the ability to put one body in auto pilot whilst my consciousness is in the other one. Everyone I am sure thinks this from time to time for different reasons, but when it occurs for me it is very specific.
As I said before I love being a Librarian, but there is one aspect that is present in most Librarian jobs that I do not enjoy… the food battle.
What is the food battle? Well it kind of goes like this… Librarian roving the Library sees someone eating hot chips smothered in gravy. Librarian explains to said someone that they cannot consume hot food in the Library and asks them to please take the food outside. Said someone apologises and starts packing up, Librarian says thank you and moves on.
At this point I need to let you in on an apparently well-kept secret… Librarians are smart you guys!
Don’t remember where I got this pic, but I added the text. If you know please tell me so I can give cred.
We went to University for quite a few years in order to become experts in research, social media, promotion and marketing, development of programs on varying topics and many other things – we know our stuff and have an extremely broad knowledge. Many of us are also mothers and fathers so believe me when I tell you that we know that you just wait for us to get out of sight then start tucking back into your carbs.
So we have to do a loop and come back around and have another chat to you about the food – often you don’t answer us because you are trying to conceal the fact that there are fried goods currently in your mouth – we know this – in fact we waited until you put that forkful in before we confronted you so you couldn’t use the normal defence of, “it is there, but I am not eating it”.
I totally believe you!
Let me tell you something you probably don’t know…
When we have to repeatedly approach you to ask you not to eat hot food – especially when there is a sign on your table next to the hot food that states ‘No hot food’ – it kills us a little inside. It feels like we are babysitting unruly children for $4 an hour instead of an Information Professional who is qualified to do research in basically any field. There are Librarians working for most film companies and researchers work on many TV shows, who do you think gets your iTunes music into all those nice little categories and easily searchable? Librarians 🙂 We do a lot more than you think, a friend of mine works at a radio station as a researcher and researches news items on the fly and feeds through information to the on air team.
Did you know all of this?
Here’s something we don’t understand… we don’t understand why you do it? Why is it so important for you to sneak eat all your chicken nuggets, smell out the Library and make the Librarians feel like you have absolutely no respect or regard for them as human beings?
The thing that kills me the most is that we have to be polite to you while you are crapping all over us. Because that is who we are, we are professionals and you are our clients. Don’t you worry though, because even though you disrespect us on a daily basis it’s not like we will remember your face and we will certainly do absolutely everything in our power to help you when you don’t know how to find information for your assignment that you only have five hours to write because you spent all your research time smuggling McDonalds into the Library.
So here is my wish… I wish that everytime that tell-tale hot food odour started wafting about, my consciousness would transport to my other body and my autopilot would handle the humiliation so I would not have to be aware of it. Where would my other body be? Anywhere but here 🙂
You hope for many things when you go through those first stages of setting up your blog, you hope it is a spicy hot roaring success, you hope no one boos you and you desperately hope that you don’t suck at it! Let’s be honest here… you want Tucker Max level fame. You want a blook, you want your blook turned into a movie… you pretty much wish for the stars because, well… why wouldn’t you?!
I am always interested in who visits my blog and how they find me so I check out my stats page generally once a day. So today as per normal I head on over to my stats page, generally my viewings don’t go up until later in the day as most of my readers are still asleep when it is lunchtime in Australia 🙂 so I wasn’t really expecting much… I was actually going to look at yesterday’s results. But before I could click on yesterday’s stats I got a little shock that I found under the “Search engine terms” area, please see screen shot below:
Umm… sorry… WHAT?!
What the… WHAT?!?!
First of all… YUCK! Why is someone looking for that? Who wants to look at anything cut open.
Second of all… Wait… how the hell did they get to my blog by Googling that?!?!
So you know what I had to do right?
Seriously, it had to be done
I had to! I had to know how and more importantly WHY that search brought them to my blog as I know I have not written about “smelly cysts” in… well… EVER!
So I hit the search button because at this point I certainly was not feeling lucky and held my breath. The results came back – 669,000 okay so that is not that high for a Google search, but maybe it was a fluke and I am buried way back in the results somewhere. Skim page one… SAFE! YES! Skim page two… SAaaa…oh shit. There I am… smack in the middle of page two.
Oh my god you guys!
The title that comes up really does not make things any better, no silver lining to be found in that unfortunate title at all. Just so I am quite clear… I do not roll with “grungy smelly cysts”. Grungy, smelly musicians… yes, but the smell is created by a fun day at a festival – not cysts.
What a hot (apparently smelly) mess! I am pretty much freaking out and thinking
So what do I do? I mean I am not about to delete all that content (which ranges across a few different posts) because I was happy with that content, so what should I do?
Then I realised that the only reason someone would be Googling “grungy smelly cysts” is probably if you had one and if you did have one you would probably be a bit sad.
So the only appropriate thing to do would be to write a post with a bunch of references to “grungy smelly cysts” so that my blog hopefully makes it to page one of the results next time someone Googles it 🙂 Let me know if I succeed if you dare to try it haha.
The weather has been a bit sad of late (yes I am talking about the weather, but I have an awesome point so read on)… the kind of weather where you want to curl up in a comfy chair with a blanky, a [insert hot beverage of choice] and a good book. These days I find myself so busy that I forget to take time for myself to reflect on what I am doing, over this summer break I had a goal… read the books I haven’t been able to read all last year because of Uni work etc. I started many books… didn’t get the opportunity to finish one of them. I started to notice that my usual laid back bubbly persona would sometimes hideaway and I would get snappy, I don’t believe it was from book withdrawal syndrome. I think it was subconscious jealousy at the people I saw that seemed to have time for things where as I always felt so rushed. Last year flew by like a whirlwind and it wasn’t until our trip to Vanuatu where we had banned any and all technology that I felt like I could just breathe and do whatever I wanted and take time to enjoy the moment… I never took my watch anywhere and no phones – we had no idea what the time was at any point and it was fabulous.
But we can’t have holidays all the time (unfortunately) so how do we capture a little bit of paradise in our everyday lives to reduce stress levels, stop our eyes going square and just to stop and reflect and be ourselves? Some don’t feel the need for this, for instance after 2 weeks of no technology my hubby was begging for internet connectivity. Younger generations would probably feel immediate stress at having to leave their mobile at home, where as I now find joy and feel a little naughty when I turn mine off for at least half a day every weekend.
When I used to work in Sydney city there was this little bookstore I used to go to, ‘Maddagen’, it was in the basement of a building and very raw and industrial looking. I used to get a hot chocolate and sit in this GORGEOUS old, kinda worn red leather armchair that would not have looked out of place beside a fire with a gentleman smoking a pipe in it pondering philosophical things. I would sit there and read a book and drink my hot chocolate and sometimes look out the window a bit above me, as we were in the basement you could pretty much just see shoes and ankles (you’d be surprised how many people don’t take the price stickers off the bottom of their shoes). I would go there at least once a week and it was blissful, in all that hustle and bustle of a crazy city I had this perfect little haven hidden away. Unfortunately it was a little too hidden and disappeared one day; I wish I had known because I would have made them an offer on that chair.
I never found a book store/cafe quite the same and even if one came close it seemed to not last long. With the expansion of places like Amazon and the popularity of new technologies such as; ebooks, ereaders, ipads, smartphones and ereader apps Ye Olde Book Shoppe just can’t keep up. Even the Woolworths of book shop chains Borders has gone under. So in the spirit of old book smell and tattered covers I thought I would share this awesome very short article (with lots of beautiful pictures) depicting the 20 most beautiful bookstores in the world (according to the author). My favourite comment on the article is, “20 reasons not to buy a kindle”.
So we did it, I am a married woman… was it everything I expected… kinda more actually.
7am – I wake up to torrential rain… in fact it was the crescendo of the rain against the roof that woke me at such an ungodly hour on the day of my wedding when I should have been attempting a last minute “ditch the bags underneath the eyes” beauty sleep. In my sleep brain stupor I thought, oh god that can’t be rain, so I half-hopped – half-rolled, but mostly dragged myself out of the single bed in the guest bedroom of my parents house, opened the bedroom door and peeked out into the hallway to the front door the entire wall of which is mostly glass. A moment later the constant drum of rain on the roof was interrupted as I cursed like a truckie when I saw the crazed downpour that was occurring outside! The PG version ranted similar to the following, lousy no good lying weatherman… what does he know?! Should be clearing pfft! It’s heavier than it has been for the last week! It’s a freaking hurricane out there!!!
I then realised that I was not the first to rise and my father was already awake watching the the floodwaters rise (okay so I am being a little dramatic, but there are only so many ways to say it was pissing down before you actually say that!). Decided to forget about it and deal with it as it comes, it would all be okay as long as my Maid of Honour brought me the cappuccino she had promised and the other bridesmaid who was flying in from Cairns actually arrives here – Seriously there is too much abuse aimed at QANTAS to explain that story… long story short… she should have arrived at 10am on Friday, but QANTAS overbooked her flight by 30 people and then was extremely rude to her when she explained her urgent need to get to Sydney on the next flight, the staff member was stupid enough to admit that they had overbooked every flight out of Cairns by at least 20 people for the whole weekend and she probably wouldn’t get to Sydney until Monday. Ohhh Fuuuuu….. so I told her to go back and demand a manager and threaten to call every news crew in Cairns to get them there to see all the teary people that don’t make it on flights this weekend… She got a full refund of her tickets and free flights to and from Sydney! TA-DA that’s how you deal with QANTAS it turns out.
So Maid of Honour comes through with the coffee… Bridesmaid calls from the airport at 10am to ask where I am… ahhh I’m at home I told you we couldn’t pick you up today. Jump on the train it comes pretty much to the door, my Dad will come pick you up. Ok… 10 minutes later… the rain has flooded the train tunnels and the trains aren’t running… OH FUUUUUUUUU……. this is the address get in a cab!
So eventually I get all my bridesmaids in a row… yes believe it, but then one of them couldn’t get her dress done up all the way… hysterical laughter outside, kinda over the drama as none of it was created by me, but everyone expects me to fix it so get a drink and go for a walk outside… she got into it in the end… she has a 3 month old bub and she hadn’t fed her yet so she expressed milk and then magically fit into her dress. I don’t know why she then took the milk with her into the wedding car… because then we had to find somewhere to leave it before she could get out of the car. People seriously… common sense!!!!!
Meanwhile everyone is running around like chooks with their heads cut off trying to figure out why I am not stressed… they almost lost their minds when no one could get my 6month old nephew to sleep – he had been crying for almost an hour when I demanded my Dad hand him over (my bro and his partner had gone down the street to get her hair done) 10mins later he was out to it and I put him in his cot – stressed people does not a sleeping baby make!
My friend who did my hair and makeup turned up on time because she is amazing and did my hair and makeup beautifully! So well that my Mum then asked if she had time to do hers. Seriously she is so amazing – she has even done hair and makeup for music videos! I had organised for everyone to have lunch because I have been bridesmaid many times where there was plenty of alcohol and no food and therefore bridesmaids staggering down the aisle. Unfortunately, by the time my hair and makeup was done everyone had eaten everything and not thought to put food aside for me hahaha, so Dani (hair and makeup genius) and I gorged on Tim Tams and had a Tia Maria and Lemonade each instead… totally a decent pre-wedding feast 😀
So we get there 10mins early to be told we might have to start late because 2 of the groomsmen stayed in the hotel room to help their wives get their babies ready – seriously?! The wives are incapable of handling a 6 month old?… okay then… – so I let them know if the boys are not here by 4pm I am walking down the aisle and they can feel bad about it because they were told to be there by 3.30pm! Cue one of the flower girls having a fit – and cue me not being surprised because I had predicted this… hence 2 flower girls. So only one flower girl walked down the aisle.
Meanwhile for an hour that morning the girls had practised walking to the music… slowly… steadily… I made them walk extra slow because I figured they would quicken up due to nerves. Not only did they quicken up they pretty much cantered down the aisle and didn’t wait for me to cue them to walk… ahh where did the girls go? Oh crap they are all down there already… oh well guess Dad and I will still chill out here and wait for the next chorus to come around… waiting… waiting… oh there it is okay Dad let’s go!
So out we walk… the sun is shining, the flower girl who has only just learnt my name (she’s 2.5yrs old give her a break) is screaming out, “Mummy look! Cat! Cat! Mummy pretty Cat!” and trying to run back down the aisle to me, my Mum is crying, other people are crying and trying to get my attention, the hella late groomsmen both showed, the groomsmen left on their sunnies… but I didn’t notice. Didn’t see any of it! All I saw was Trent waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Hard, practical, logical, organised Trent… grinning and brimming with tears at the sight of me… and all of a sudden I felt like a beautiful goddess.
I remember every part of the ceremony because we never took our eyes off each other, someone apologised to me later for arriving halfway through the ceremony… I couldn’t have told you they weren’t there… for that 30mins in time there were no other people, there was only me and him… and it was PERFECT!
I was reading a blog post this morning where someone described just having a sit down on their patio and being still, being in the moment, I suddenly realised that whilst reading this post I had been jiggling my leg and attempting to skim through the post. I froze trying to figure out what on earth was going on here, reading about someone being still and taking time to enjoy a moment of silence was making me feel restless… are you kidding?! Am I that far gone that even reading about relaxation makes me jittery now? Whoa! Not good!
My mind raced trying to ascertain the reason for this restlessness and the leg jiggling that had alerted me to it, why was I uncomfortable with someone I have never met living god knows where having a sit down on a Sunday afternoon? This makes no sense! Did I think they were lazy? No. Could it be jealousy? I don’t know, perhaps… hmm maybe.
green eyed monster
Jealousy?! Really?! Wow haven’t felt a real bout of that in what 10 years? Crazy! But then I thought she probably worked damn hard for that afternoon of sitting – the green beast replied, ‘any harder than you? Look at you!’. So I did, I took a good hard look at myself and realised that I am a bit of a mess, not on the outside because I am pretty good at maintaining facades it seems. On the outside I am the picture of organised, efficient, insightful, blah blah blah all those words. Inside the whole balance of mind, body and spirit… well right now I don’t think they have even met each other before… they are truly estranged!!! My life over the past 6 months has been crazy and I know I have abused every aspect of myself in attempt to soldier on and get everything done.
But, I am really starting to feel the effects of working full time, studying Uni at night, organising a wedding and being heavily involved with the pre-birth, birth and life of my baby sis’ surprise bub (first baby in the family since my brother 22yrs ago and she was misdiagnosed with digestive problems until 4 months before she was due).
The last week or so I have felt 75 or 80 rather than 21 (ok 28), everything is far more sluggish and my desperate need for sleep and rest screams at me from every pore. I am so grateful to pour myself into bed at the end of the day. I think the only thing keeping me going is healthy eating, coffee and a dream of the honeymoon just over the horizon.
I think my body is beginning to revolt against me the last two days I have had fevers and shocking headaches, which has forced me to spend more time at home, but still I did not rest as much as I should.
My mother finds this disgusting, but my time to myself where no one could get at me was going to the gym, I could turn on MY music and be totally alone in my little sphere for a while. When I was done I felt like I had done something good for my body, regained a little sanity and my thoughts were more in order and at the end I rewarded myself with a long shower (I never do this at home due to water and electricity costs). But with everything going on there hasn’t even been time for me to do this, last time I did a pilates class I almost fell asleep. I find solice in the fact that the major project I have been doing for work will be completed by the end of this week which should hopefully give me a little breathing space and less sleepless nights.
This is not enjoying life… this is spending my life working and my work to life balance is completely out of synch. I have managed to finish all my Uni assessments for the year ahead of time which is one less thing to worry about. This is really nice because now I am able to enjoy more of the wedding stuff rather than it feeling like a chore. And in 5 weeks time the wedding will be over and we will be on a tropical island with no mobile phones, laptops or internet and nothing to do but recreational activities… ohhh the joy!