It’s been a bad couple of days and it has been really hard to talk about it with anyone because I just am not even processing things at the moment. The only place I am functioning well at is work. I can shut off that emotion crap and get lost in my role. Currently the person I am at work is very different from the person I am at home. I am great at work, I am sparkle girl, I am organised and I get told that I have amazing initiative and they are so happy with me.
At home, as of last night at about 6pm I completely withdrew and basically went mute for a few hours.
I am going to talk about something I haven’t on here before, in fact I have only ever mentioned it to one person on WordPress and that was in comments on her blog. I want to talk about my brother. My brother has a reliance on pot. It worries the hell out of me because over the past few years I have seen it get worse and I have seen him change, he has 2 children who are almost 4 and 3 and the problem has gotten worse since the second one was born (I need to be clear though on the fact that it is never around the children and he never uses it where they can see and he doesn’t keep it where they can get to it). Both babies were unplanned and my brother and his partner were quite young for the first one and had not been together long. Please don’t think I am saying that he doesn’t love his kids, he does, he adores them, but he cannot handle them for long periods of time because his patience is just not awesome. He does know this about himself and is careful.
Basically in general both he and his partner are not dealing with life and their two toddlers. She isn’t working at all, he has casual jobs and seems to get sick a lot which means no pay when he doesn’t go to work. They both seem very dissatisfied with their life and bitch about each other to members of my family.
So now you know the background. The basics anyways…
Which brings me to Clomid – it has had its side effects and at first I thought that my want to withdraw all the time was the side effect, but I am not sure whether it is the side effect or withdrawing is my reaction to the fact I am emotional and don’t want to snap at anybody. Either way I have been trying to deal with that and if I am honest I haven’t been too awesome at it.
So last night I get home from work to my parents and my brother, his partner and my two nephews are there. There was a weird vibe going on and my Dad said not to ask about it, after awhile they went home. I assumed they had had an argument or something. I asked my Dad infront of my Mum and he said it had been a weird day and long story short she is pregnant.
Queue me shutting down in 3…2…1… I just emotionally shut down. I couldn’t deal with it. So I made the right sounds of shock and disbelief and the murmurs of concern and then went about my normal routine of getting dinner ready. Hubby came out (he works from home) for a coffee break and tried to engage me in coversation, I tried to make the right sounds, but we have been together for 8 years so it wasn’t going to fool him. He stopped me from flurrying about the kitchen, made me look at him and asked what was wrong. I couldn’t say it for a second, then when I did I just whispered it, “X is pregnant”. He looked at me for a second and then burst out laughing, “you have to be kidding me?!” he chortled, “what idiots, are you serious? How stupid can they be?!”. Then for just a minute my carefully constructed facade of nonchalance cracked and I started to cry. He engulfed me in a hug until the sniffles subsided and I sent him back to work pretending I was okay.
But I’m not. I am not okay you guys. This is not okay.
Apart from the fact that there is all the emotional issues related to the fact that we have been trying for over 3 years (which really would be enough) I am beyond concerned for this baby. Unless they both completely change their current lifestyles this child is going to have a mediocre life at best and I am not dealing with that. My oldest nephew is a very smart child, but they do not spend time with him teaching him things. They don’t take the boys out for experiences, basically the only place they go is shopping, we live 30mins from the beach and neither of them have ever been. The 3 year old is beyond coddled and is still taken out in onesies all the time, he is referred to as Bubby and is completely emotionally clingy and dependant on his mother and barely talks (he might say 4-5 individual words – no sentences) – there is not a medical reason for this, it is purely because they have not spent time teaching him things. They have just magically expected him to develop this stuff on his own as he grows. Neither boy has any kind of schedule and will sometimes be up until all hours of the night.
But then stupidly even after saying everything I have above, when my Mum said she had talked to her about the fact she needs to really think sensibly and that she does have ‘choices’ and whatever she decides is her choice alone – I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t process the fact that someone would be lucky enough to fall pregnant, but be so irresponsible and lazy that they can’t make an effort to get their lives together so that they can have it. That they would choose the easy way out.
Oh god I have to stop. I can’t. I am getting to upset about it again.
So basically I went through the motions, I made dinner, I ate dinner, I hid in the back room and watched Netflix and ate a LOT of chocolate, I brushed my teeth and went to bed. This morning I got up, brushed my teeth, had a coffee, Hubby tried to talk to me about it and I changed the subject, I caught up with my WordPress reader and then went to work. Once at work, work me emerged and got business done. But now, now I am home again and at home the problem is real and I don’t know how to deal with it yet. I want to eat everything, can I eat the world? On top of everything else I have weird achy feelings in my lower abdomen, they are really weird and I haven’t felt anything like it before. It is almost like when you get bloating before AF, but it is only in my lower abdomen. Is this some weird pre-AF Clomid side effect too? Or is hiding my emotions just wrecking havoc on my body?
I am really hoping the dam doesn’t break at some really weird time. Can you imagine me finding a handbag I adore and just bursting into sobs hugging it? My next blog may be from a padded room hahaha.
If any of you have some advice for me I would completely love to hear it. I am wide open to any kind of advice at the moment 🙂 Thank you for reading my rant and I am sorry if it upset anybody.